True love waits. To many, this phrase simply means waiting to have sexual relations till marriage. Because if a man wants to be with you, he wants you as his wife first rather than in his bed, or back seat of the car; you get my drift. However, the meaning of true love waits changed for me.
Sometimes, I doubt God has a hubby for me. It is difficult to believe it when all the men you find are not the Christians or persons you expected them to be. Their love for God doesn't measure to yours, and you know that God will soon remove them from your life.You prepare your heart for hurt. Somehow, all of them find another girl after you, and they seem happy. And you wonder, will I ever find someone too?
It is perhaps the desire to fall in love, becoming a wife and a mom, that leads me to such doubts and thoughts. I serve God because I love him, not because I expect him to bring a good, true Christian man to my life. However, could it be that my desire to find someone is so great that it clouds my heart, that my desire keeps me from loving God to my fullest extend? Is that why, God? Is that why am I am alone still or have been hurt? I need to wait? Yes, all these questions roam around my head endlessly, rooting deeply into my brain.
Even though I have not been in a real relationship, my heart ached numerous times, perhaps still is. We expect a person to be someone we want, desire, hoped for, yet they fall short. Or simply, it is not meant to be, and God has someone else in mind for you. This thought does not cross our mind at that moment. You hear about them or see them happy. And one cannot help to wonder, why not me? Or at least I think that. I serve and love God, and that person is putting you last. And I will question God, why?
I will not lie. I do think that Christians can be judged by the testimony they give. Many say not to because God is the one that knows the heart; however, God says that by their fruits you will know them. That is why I adamantly believe you can tell when one is a true Christian. People can tell. They are not stupid although they might make illogical choices. I know that someone's walk is not well by the things they say and do. If you think we do not notice, we do. Stop trying to hide it; be honest with yourself.
I always believed, still do, that God removes these men because they are not good for my walk and both of us, him and me, need to concentrate on him. If I tell you about a boy that has liked or loved me, I will tell you what girl he ended up with after me, give or take a few months. That is how it works. I do not know why, but it does. I always see it as God's way of protecting me. It hurts a lot. Him moving on quickly makes me think we were a lie, but what person will not think that? Through the heartache, I seek God more, thanking for the pain. After a month or so, my eyes open. I realized how blessed I am to not be with the person or why I could not be with the person. Some because they are not christian, other are not in a true relationship with God, and most recently, the desire for God diminished. God always shows me why I am alone, why they left me, or why I left them as difficult as it has been. Lost friendships. Broken hearts.
My past sort of relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive. God had become second to this man. Everything was good at first, but it lost sight of God. Our sinful and deceitful hearts allowed us to believe we were good, when we were not. By far, it has been the most difficult one because at a point, he was my best friend. I left him for God, yet I am the one that hurts. I do not hurt out of choice, who does? I am happy we are not together because I know how much I was suffering and how much we fought. Yet, I pondered, why do I hurt? I want to be happy for him. I know that I deserved better. So why do I hurt when I know he is with someone else? Why?
Then, I found out why. Like I said, I do not hurt by choice. My cursed and deceitful heart aches by itself. I know I am better off without him. I hurt because I desire to fall in love, to be a wife and mom. Yes, the greatest petition of my heart is also the greatest pain. I am jealous that he has what I long for. Why him? I questioned. I left him for God, yet he finds someone, and I do not. I serve you God, yet those who do not have someone. Why? Why?! It is not fair. It does not make sense, at least to me.
True love waits. I get it. It is more than just waiting for the wedding day. It is waiting on God to send you true love. I believe that God does not want me to suffer or feel hurt. That is why He also removed all those previous boys from my life because he knew that they were not the right ones for me. In a sense, I want a radical Christian at my same level. I want someone passionate to worship and serve God, and that we can talk about Him constantly among other things. If I want someone like this, I must wait. There is still much I have to learn about love, about God. God is love. In order to know more about what love is and how to love, I must know God first. God must be my greatest petition, my greatest desire. There must be patience on my side as well as trusting God with an unfailing and unwavering faith.
Yes, doubt comes into my heart like today or when I know they have someone. I hurt because they are living/experiencing my greatest petition, but I am glad they are happy. My time will come to find true love. It may be tomorrow, the day after, weeks, months, maybe even years (hope not haha), but God knows that true love waits. He does not want me to know anything else than the love that he has for me and the love that he places in his children who love Him above all things. I might hurt, yet I am healing. I might doubt, but I am still believing. And waiting in God is my safe haven. I just pray that all white men with blue/green/hazel eyes, funny, smart, and so forth stay away. (lol) I know God has to mold me more, and that this wait will allow me to experience the greatest love ever: God's and the husband that He has for me, who will fear and love Him above all things. This is a love worth waiting for.
