That night, I cried and told him, let's call him P, that I couldn't talk to him anymore. He was okay with it. For those first few days, I wrote him letters about why I needed to let go but didn't. It seemed like he didn't care. After a month, he liked someone else, and by the second month, he was dating her. I was distraught. Everything we had gone through was a lie. He never cared about me or had feelings for me since he moved on so easily. It was the reason I started this blog. I was hurting. At first, church helped me a lot, but after discovering all this, my heart was void. I didn't know how to handle it. Everything I wanted him to be for me, he was willing to be for her. He moved for her; he wanted to change for her; he made her the healing of his suffering. I couldn't see why. It made me feel worthless and insecure, but I had to let go, no matter how hard it was. I told God I would.
Each month was difficult. Not only had I lost someone I had deep feelings for, but I also lost my best friend. For 2 years, we had constantly text messaged and talked every day. I knew him like no one else did, even knew his darkest secrets. And all of that was gone. It takes getting used to. Nonetheless, the process isn't easy. Most of time, I found myself text messaging him because I was so angry. There was so much resentment and bitterness in my heart. I wanted to hate him; I wanted answers. He gave her what I wanted from him, and I resented him more. He even had the nerve to flirt at times, but I didn't want to be like him; I didn't want to be the cause for her pain even though it seemed like revenge for me. Although I was hurt and angry, I couldn't make myself hate him because hate isn't of God. I couldn't be the someone who ended a relationship out of selfishness. I knew that there was a greater purpose to this, and God was going to show as well as help me.
Several months passed, and I knew the person I once cared and loved was gone. He had given away his virginity, told me straight out God was an invisible man in the sky, and completely renounced his faith. He just gave up. P had a complete change of heart, of identity, of existence. I am not claiming he was perfect or so godly before, but he at least cared enough to fight the good fight. In the coldness of his heart, there was a flame of light. However, now, that flame was an icicle. Saddened by this, I comprehended that his soul was more important than any feelings I possessed about him. Till this day, P claims to believe in God but not to follow him, which I believe is worse. Yet, I know that it is the wounds of life that enclosed him in the dark cold.
My realization was this: he can never truly love without God, and God knows the desires of my heart so well that he knew P wasn't the right man for me. I need and want true love. God knew I couldn't be with a man who is unfaithful to not only Him but also me. So be grateful for the pain. For the pain, hurt, sadness, and anger you feel right now is a blessing in disguise. It might not seem like it now, but God will show you the purpose of your trial and troubles. They are meant to mold our character, strengthen our relationship with him, but mostly, guard our hearts--to protect the love we feel for Him, and He feels for us. So I am grateful for my broken heart. I see now that the pain I underwent was in a way self afflicted because I strayed from what God wants for my life. However, the other trials that weren't a consequence of my sin also allow me to see and experience God's love firsthand. Because through each tear shed, He comforted me more than anyone, healed my heart, and reminded me that I deserve a love like His in my life and shouldn't settle for less. Yes, He is truly my first love, and my pains, troubles, and trials are my blessings in disguise, for they lead me to my Creator, my Father, each time. For that, I am grateful.
Isaiah 41:10 fear
not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will
strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand.
~Claudette
