Broken.

   Tears flowed down my rosy cheeks. As each salty, tear drop fell, it was harder to contain myself. Emotions overwhelmed me, and I found myself gasping for air in order to control myself. Yet, there was no stopping it. My soul was venting. And as I bawled like a baby, I was secretly healing. It had finally hit me: I am broken. For the these past 6 months, the process of healing had been quick and rather swift. Due to this, I figured that if that person who hurt me contacted me, I would be fine in conversing with them. That moment came unexpectedly. However, while talking to him about how he was not a good boyfriend to the new woman in his life, and of course, after enduring my scolding about it, I came to a realization. 

     As I told him not to hurt her by flirting with other girls because he'll break her, I started to tear up. Then, it hit me. He broke me. For days, insecurity and unworthiness overtook me. I felt unworthy of ever been loved by any man, aka future potential husband, of finding love. Insecurity about being not good enough, pretty, smart, and so forth settled in my heart and mind. No one will love me. Who will ever be with me? He was the only one who found me attractive for how I look. No one else will. My thoughts were filled with such pessimism, and I became my worst enemy. I told myself to guard my heart. Nevertheless, I started taking refugee in the worse things, only harming myself. Before I knew it, I kept trying to ease my pain with  lies, desires, and sin. 

    At first, I kept declaring how singleness is a gift, and it is. However, I was hiding myself under my own philosophy, so my heart would not be on the line. Yet, when a man came into my life, the philosophy lost itself within my subconscious because there I went, flirt activated. I eventually refrain myself from flirting, too much that is, and spoke about singleness being a gift as a reminder to myself. That didn't stop my heart for looking for attention. I was hurt. And the only way to refugee myself from the pain is God, yet when I failed to spent time with him, desire started to creep in. Am I ever going to get married? Will I ever find a meaning to my life? Is there a purpose for me? These thoughts roamed my head back and forth without seeming to find an exit. There are so many hopes and dreams within me. Of course, the most obvious being that I want to get married and be a wife. There I was. Initially, lying to myself about treating singleness as a gift yet flirting, and now, letting my desires resurface. I want to get married. I want a baby. I want, want , want, want... It seems as though that is all we think about, our wants. And when we don't get what we want, sadness steps in. 

      Then, we take refugee in sin. For instance, it is not nice to be used by another person, yet it is worse to let that person still have control over your life after they have left you. Nonetheless, we believe that the only way to be rid of the pain is by other pain. Because that is all sin does: hurt, destroy, and kill. I decided to take control back. He was no longer with me nor hurting me, so why was I hurting myself for something he did to me? Why was I putting myself in further pain? That is not fair to me. He sure doesn't care about it, why should I? This is what sin does. It keeps us as captives to past experiences and pain. The worse thing of it all is that we believe it is going to help us when it is not. It might be a temporary fix, but eventually, we need more. It is like any addiction. People try a drug once, and then, they want more. Ultimately, they need stronger doses of that drug to get the same effect they did the first time. In the attempt to try to reach that escape or moment of "ecstasy," they end up overdosing and losing their life. 

     The same is with our own lies, desires, and sins. However, don't fret. God states: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37: 4 NIV). God knows the desires and wants of our heart, but He wants us to seek Him above all things. No one knows our heart better than God, our Creator. He not only knows what we want but also what we need. And rather than letting ourselves be caught up by our own lies, desires, and sins--only destroying ourselves and taking our life, we should let ourselves be submerged into God's presence in order to find who we are. God is not a temporary fix; He is an everlasting high of love, joy, and peace. Yes, moments of despair, sadness, loneliness, and many more might come, yet God is faithful and keeps His promises. Yes, I am broken, but God "...close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalms 34:18). 

         Maybe I am flawed, feel insecure, and unworthy. That is part of being human, of being alive. But we have a loving God that states we are "... fearfully and wonderfully made; [His] works are wonderful..." (Psalms 139:14) and created in his image. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, especially your own mind. Change your thoughts to those that God has about you because no one knows you better than your Creator, who "..heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalms 147:3). You are never alone, and in your worse moments, God is there. Perhaps, I am broken, but I am thankful for it because I know that God is pasting me back together as he gently heals my heart and mends my wounds. For that, I am grateful.