I think...

Originally, I started this blog because I was heartbroken. It was going to be a way for me to write out my deepest thoughts and sort out through all my emotions. I had an amazing start with it, as I was positive a great change would come to my life. However, life is not that easy. It is a roller coaster of emotions and situations that impact your life, and at the end of the day, all you are really left with is your thoughts. 
Nothing defines you more than what you think. You might base who you are on your career, education, relationship status, or status in society; however, it always falls back to what you think of yourself based on these. We tend to forget that society can only influence us if we let it. You thoughts will always be your own, as they are within you; now, I am not saying that you cannot be swayed to think a certain way, but as these year progressed, I realized that self-reflection is a must. 
As I started graduate school in Fall 2014, the journey has been difficult. I left my family, friends, church, statuses, and opportunities, A blank slate laid before me, and I started to see that the tools in my workshop were all second-rate and the statues that had been created were fallen apart as they were all false imitations of the real creation embedded within me. Routines were changing; ideas were evolving; beliefs were being questioned; discoveries were being found; yet in all of it, I was losing myself and forgetting who I was or am. 
Now, I am at a crossroads. Trying to be who I was and accepting who I am now. However, those who knew who I was cannot accept who I am now or am becoming, which makes it difficult for me to accept myself. Thus, it begs the questions: Am I really like this? Was I really like that? Do I truly agree with this belief? Do I really enjoy doing this? The questions are never-ending. I simply wonder if I cannot accept who I am now because those who knew me before do not or because I know that this is now me. Yet, part of me also thinks that who I was before is not me either. So, here I am, confused, lost, frustrated, perplexed. 
Through it all, people have even questioned if I am still a Christian, a believer. Some claim or think I am not; other think I am kidding myself; others still know that I do love God, despite my actions--those are the keepers. The only way I have been able to make it through all the mistakes and loneliness and doubt is because in my heart, I know God loves me, no matter how much I screw up. Granted, I have been screwing up a lot that I have even questioned who I am and have come to realized that I have lost myself, but I have not lost sight of God's love. My actions and words might say otherwise because I hate that people question me as their words are full of judgment as they try to inquire if I am still a believer and treat me like a child for choosing to act or be a certain way. I am not stupid. I am aware of the decisions I make and despite knowing some are idiotic. I must accept the consequences.
Nevertheless, do not fail to know that mistakes are part of self-discovery. I am finding myself once more. There are many aspects of myself that those who knew me before do not like, but there are some that I do like, and I have come to see that the only opinions and thoughts that matter are those I think and believe. It is like Paul states in Philippians 3:14, "I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." We are constantly pressing on in life, fighting the good fight. May times, we are giving up on the good fight, but nonetheless, we are fighting to fulfill our purpose, find our calling, and find ourselves.
Do I believe I am my best me now? No. I am constantly pondering on my actions, beliefs, choices, and life in general. My slate is persistently being renewed and recreated, as several slates sit within my workshop called life. The story is full of numerous statues that display the chapters of the voyage we are taking. I am still finding myself. I am still finding God. I am still me, for better or worse. Whether you hate who I am now and loved who I was before or simply continue to love me, I challenge you to also think about the journey you are talking or have taken. Like Rene Descartes once said, Cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore, I am).It all starts through who we think we are, and we can only find ourselves through sorting out our thoughts and unearthing the real roots of our beliefs and ideals to be the best us we can be. 

<3 Claudy