The Petition of my Heart

There he stood. Tall, short-brown hair, white complexion, green eyes with hints of hazel, and wearing a suit: my ideal man. His kindness reflected by the way he kissed my cheek and addressed his worries. I had never felt such love. So many years passed as I waited for him. Finally, I found him, and he was everything I wanted, plus more.
As I sing along to worship songs, I am taken back by the greatest desire in my heart. Each time I see a man of God giving him praise, my heart melts. Worshiping God elevates my heart, mind, and soul to a whole new level, where I can be one with Him. My mouth and heart constantly want to exalt Him. Thus, my future husband will be a worshiper in spirit and truth. A man who can completely surrender his heart to God in worship, prayer, and humility, is a worthy husband. Why? Because this man will know true love, 1st Cor. 13:4-8 love. If one does not have a heart conformed to that of Jesus, they cannot love like this. My heart's petition is to find love, a man who accepts me for me, flaws and all. I know that a true man of God, one who loves him above all things, will love me like God does.
Any time I think about my past relationship/friendship, I remember my prayer to God for a man who loves Him above all things. So it does not sadden me. I know God has greater things for me. Many times, we want to settle with what we have when God wants something greater for our life. We might stay with a person for a long time because we think we "love" them when in fact, we are used to them. Or the sole fact that we want to fulfill that desire of intimacy, of having someone by your side, leads us to stay with the wrong person. The blessing God has for us, in marriage, are being lost in short-term relationships. I do not want that for my life. I want a long lasting relationship where you grow old together. Love, just like God, is greater than what we think and know. And when God answers the petition of my heart, bring a Godly, righteousness man into my life, I hope and pray that our love will be a form of worship, honor, and exaltation for God. <3

Caring Without Being There

When you care about someone deeply, you tend to be there for them always as their crying shoulder. However, all that changes when they are no longer part of your life. But what doesn't change is the fact that you feel the need to be there for them.

This is how I feel right now. My heart and emotions tell me to console him. Because I knew him so well, I remember the stories he would tell. I have a great memory for certain things. Knowing right now that he might be hurting, sort of stings my heart a bit. I cannot stop caring out of nowhere. We were honest with each other, spoke constantly for two years, and shared intimate things that only God knows.

But, it is not like before. Even though my heart yearns to call or text him to console him, my mind argues not to. A battle between logic and emotions takes place within my heart and mind. Which to listen to? My compassionate side pushes to be kind and merciful, yet this side caused me to bear through various hurts and fights in this relationship. I want to tell him, "I'm sorry for your loss. I am here for you if you need me." But should I be? Some friend believe he would not even do that for me, but would he? I do not know. Maybe. We are no longer anything to each other, just a chapter closed that should not be reopened and reread.

Does it make me compassionate? Does it make me a bad Christian? The answer seems confusing and vague. Yet, if I ended this friendship/relationship with him for God, then I cannot go back. The Lord knows I want to support, console, and uplift him. Nonetheless, the best thing I can do--as a friend, a sister in Christ,as someone who loved, cared, and cherished him--is to pray. A good friend I believe I can be, but the emotional attachment of my heart must be severed. That is what he wants and always wanted in a sense. I know God does not think less of me for not consoling him, so I will not think less of myself.

As people, we cannot help to care. It is in our nature. But we always need to remind ourselves that those people or person is no longer in our life for a reason. Yes, we care about them. Therefore, the best thing is to remain strong on your own path and pray for them. Let God handle it; no one else can better than him. <3

Busy Bee

The healing continues. Sometimes, it takes time to move on from a relationship or to even leave that person. However, it is not impossible. Life offers a plethora of opportunities for us. We need to take advantage of them. People spent so much energy trying to make a relationship work that they forget about their needs and dreams, even about their friends, family, and God. They, especially teenagers, lose out on their relationships with others and those opportunities.
Now that I do not focus on that boy, I spend time on myself. Thus, I did not have time to blog as well as not think about him. That is one of the secrets to moving on: FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Do nice things for yourself, such as get a pedicure, go shopping, out with friends, to the movies, etc. For instance, since I wanted to learn another language, I am taking a Mandarin class. It is important to take risks and do things we always wanted to do. When we are in a relationship, it keeps us from focusing on ourselves and taking the time pursue our dreams.It is not only about doing what we have always wanted, but it helps us stay busy.
This past weekend was so busy. I literally had something to do all day; there were no dull moments. I spend time with friends, the youth group, and my family. Nothing is better than being with those that care about you, vice versa. Being in good company is important because they support and understand you. Happiness does not depend on that person who you were in a relationship, it depends on God; it comes from inside. There are so many things in the world to do: go dancing, learn to knit or bake, get a job, study more, write, read, volunteer, etc. There are many activities to do! Get involved and make plans.
When you start to be active, your mind will clear. You realize that your life is blessed and fulfilling. That person is far from your mind when you are enjoying yourself. It is okay to have some excitement in your life because you deserve it. You should not be sad, lonely, and bored because of a relationship, especially when that person hurt you. There is not guilt in being happy, after all, whether you left them or they left you, it didn't work out for a reason. so why dwell on it and let it bring you down? Do not let it. Enjoy life, and be happy. Being a busy bee is beneficial. Like the bee, be protective and fly freely through a field of flowers. :)

I Feel Pretty, Oh, So Pretty!

Each Tuesday and Thursday, I tend to sleep in, waking up just in time to shower, get ready, and head to work. It seems to be the same routine, with some days getting to eat lunch and others not. It was just another day. However, yesterday was different.
There was a cool breeze, with cloudy skies: my perfect weather. It reminded me of New Orleans. All you needed was a light sweater. Windows down, radio blaring, my on-and-off key-note singing made a great drive to work. My hair swayed with the breeze, my own nature-created blow dryer. As I arrived to school and parked, I was excited for what the day was to bring: A long day of work, which is not overbearing because I love my job and enjoy who I work with. After work, Mandarin class, time passed by fast while we learn and laugh. I got out of my car and walked to work. Then, it happened. I felt pretty.
As weird as that might sound to some, it is something I rarely feel. Not only that, but coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship causes one to not feel valuable; we become our worst enemy by always belittling ourselves, at times, more than our "partner" do. Feeling pretty that day was only reinforced by some compliments. Then, someone from church who is dear to me reminded me: El Corazón Alegre Hermosea El Rostro. Directly translated, it means: A happy heart beautifies the face. Or as Proverbs 13:15 states: "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance..."(NKJV). Happiness can be seen through our facial expressions more clearly than anything else. All I wanted to do, most of the day, was smile.
This is such an important phase in the healing processes. Why? Because you are starting to value yourself and realize that you are worthy. Most of the time, when we have come out of a relationship, one wonders, What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? For women, I believe this is one of the main questions we ask ourselves. As emotional beings, we are a broken record, replaying each hurtful word our "partner" told us or that moment when they left us. Our minds our flooded with questions we want answered, with the need for a meaningful closure. What did I do wrong? What? Was I that bad that he had to be away from me in order to be happy? These are all things I thought. And honestly, his words would only cut me deeper, making feel worthless. And I can prove it. For instance, he told me, "Then, this is the right path. I wasn't happy the way it was...while I appreciated the fact you cared about me, the irony is that your love was helping me die." What is one suppose to think when the person they cared and loved tell them this? It made me think my love was not good enough. I could have let this affect me in several ways: (1) Never, ever love again or get close to someone because my love will "destroy" them. (2) Try to find love, but now, I am going to still hurt them and screw it up, (3) Wonder if everyone I love will just end up getting hurt by me, and (4) Ignore it and know that there is a man out there that is worthy of my love which is valuable to him and even God.

So I tell you, there are many things that he said to me that made me feel unworthy, or to simply state it, as crap. Some were straight-out cold and hurtful. However, it is how you let those things affect you that matters. No person should make you feel inferior or unworthy. The only flawless being to exist is God; He is the perfect, pure, good, just, and honest compared to all humanity. Even God, knowing that we are lowly sinners, loves us enough to sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross. So why should we let a person who is flawed like us tell us how valuable we are? We shouldn't. Any person that belittles you should be cut from your life. Know that you are worthy and valuable. Live each day feeling pretty and singing, "I feel pretty, oh, so pretty!" <3


:P Let this be your life song ^.^

Realization

Yesterday, being Valentines day was not very bad. I was not sad nor lonely. In fact, I was shown the greatest love there is by Jesus Christ who died on the cross. <3 For that, I am grateful. Having friends, family, and co-workers that expressed their care through kind gestures, such as cupcakes and cards, was heartwarming. You do not always need a man by your side to know love. Love is everything, and it can be shared with anyone. This is why love is so amazing.

However, today, I realized that love was not mutually shared in my past relationship, if I can call it one since we were not official. There were a plethora of actions that allowed me to see this. For instance, I would always say sorry to him when I never did anything wrong. Why was I sorry for stating my opinion? There is nothing wrong with sharing what you think and being independent. Why was I sorry for expressing my feelings when I was hurt by him? Shouldn't I have a right to tell him, "How could you move on after a month of us not talking? It hurt and makes me think we were a lie." I have every right to tell him that I felt betrayed and used. Why shouldn't I? Why did I belittle myself for him? So many things were wrong. Why couldn't he take blame? He lead me on, so there should be blame in his part as well. Why was it all on me?

After asking myself all these questions, realization took place. He was selfish. I could seriously say that I cared and gave too much. Nonetheless, I believe one should give and care always because love is selfless. But it was too much giving and caring for someone who couldn't share that back. I will not deny I have my flaws, such as being jealous and insecure. But frankly, I was used. He used me. Reflecting on our relationship, there were so many times I tried to leave, yet he did not let me, or we'd start talking again. Yet, this time, he didn't come back, and I couldn't go back. I wonder at times. Does it have to do with that other girl he is talking to already? The one that he says he likes all over facebook. The one he goes and gets drunk with, even though he declares to be a christian? Was he talking to her while he was talking to me? Honestly, I think he was. I doubt he is honest with me anymore. Why would he be? He didn't care as much as I cared for him. He didn't give as much as I gave for him. I do not want to make him sound bad because he did have good qualities. But I do know that he did not love me. I do not understand why people need someone to fill the void, lead them on, and use them for their own selfish needs. That is not love. Love is not selfish. I wish he would have been honest. However, how could he be? His desire to not be alone and have someone was greater than his desire to not hurt me. As humans, we are selfish. We put always ourselves first most of the time. I can say it is understandable; however, it is not justifiable.

So many questions flood my mind. Do I still feel hurt? Yes. I cared and loved him even though he didn't feel the same. I wish he would have been honest, so he could have told me, "I am using you; I do not love you; I will leave you; I will never be with you." Why? As harsh as it may be, I prefer the truth than having to waste my time on someone who isn't going to try to make the relationship work or on someone who does not know love. My hope was that if we stopped talking, our relationship with God would grow; we'd mature as Christians. Yet, knowing he is out getting drunk shows me that his desire to please God isn't as great as mine. I am not trying to be holier than thou because I am flawed. But I know that I am trying to leave sin, why isn't he? It is his choice, and I hope he makes the right one. I am upset at him. My hurt is speaking. It is all these questions that I might never know the answer to that overwhelm my mind but permit me to reflect on this failed attempt to love.

Even though you love or want to love someone, it does not mean they will return it. You might want to be there and make them happy, but it is not always going to work out. At times, they do not know how to love or appreciate you. Frankly, they just suck at relationships. Or they can be a totally jerk who makes you think it is all your fault and you are the unstable, crazy, flawed one like it happened to me. But that does not mean you are not good enough. It could be that they only see your flaws and not your great qualities. Or it is like what happened to me, they just used you and were selfish to get what they wanted. It happens. It is part of life. But the greatest thing I am learning to accept is that I am a great person and whoever marries me will be a lucky man because I will love and care for him, just like I did with this boy. Hopefully, my insecurities will be gone by then. I hope to learn to love myself like God loves me. The greatest realization throughout this roller coaster of a relationship and healing has been simple: I DESERVE BETTER. It might seem conceited or selfish. But I do. I do not deserve to be with a boy who disrespects and uses me. So boy, I never told you your face, but you should know that I, Claudette, deserve better. :) I can't wait to find that man God has for me, but I know he won't belittle me, and I will not undergo what I did in this past relationship. Why? Because I deserve better. ;)

In Need of Healing

Many of us have dealt with heartbreak. If you deny it, I'd call you a liar. Heartbreak can even tie into the feeling of rejection, which correlates with hurt. So if you were ever rejected and felt hurt, you dealt with heartbreak--but not to its full extent. The purpose of this blog is clearly as it states. As a victim of heartbreak, not love, my heart and soul need healing. I will do my best to blog each day and yes, I will write about him, perhaps others. Sharing about him will allow me to vent and recognize that it was another chapter closed in my life. Do I blame him? Sometimes, I find that I do. Was it his fault? Like they say, it takes two to tango. It was both of us. Failed relationship comes from both sides, whether or not one tried to fight for it better than the other. Frankly, some people just suck at relationships and have no mere concept of what true love is. My basis of love comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

• ⁴ Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

There is no greater description of love than that. Not even Shakespeare could be so selfish-less as to give his life for love as Jesus Christ did on the cross. Yes, I will speak about God, but I will also share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. My hopes are that one day I can replace the word love in these biblical verses with Claudette. That way: Claudette is patient; Claudette is kind. Claudette does not envy; Claudette does not boast; Claudette is not proud, so forth. Maybe one day, through this journey of healing, I will learn to fully love without expecting love in return, but just to love everyone--each person--in this world. My heart's desire is to become a wife and a mother. However, if I can not fully heal my heart and soul, I will be incapable of doing so. Maybe, many of you need healing as well. To whoever might read this blog, I hope I can inspire and help you in your journey to healing and in your path to learning how to love.