Realization

Yesterday, being Valentines day was not very bad. I was not sad nor lonely. In fact, I was shown the greatest love there is by Jesus Christ who died on the cross. <3 For that, I am grateful. Having friends, family, and co-workers that expressed their care through kind gestures, such as cupcakes and cards, was heartwarming. You do not always need a man by your side to know love. Love is everything, and it can be shared with anyone. This is why love is so amazing.

However, today, I realized that love was not mutually shared in my past relationship, if I can call it one since we were not official. There were a plethora of actions that allowed me to see this. For instance, I would always say sorry to him when I never did anything wrong. Why was I sorry for stating my opinion? There is nothing wrong with sharing what you think and being independent. Why was I sorry for expressing my feelings when I was hurt by him? Shouldn't I have a right to tell him, "How could you move on after a month of us not talking? It hurt and makes me think we were a lie." I have every right to tell him that I felt betrayed and used. Why shouldn't I? Why did I belittle myself for him? So many things were wrong. Why couldn't he take blame? He lead me on, so there should be blame in his part as well. Why was it all on me?

After asking myself all these questions, realization took place. He was selfish. I could seriously say that I cared and gave too much. Nonetheless, I believe one should give and care always because love is selfless. But it was too much giving and caring for someone who couldn't share that back. I will not deny I have my flaws, such as being jealous and insecure. But frankly, I was used. He used me. Reflecting on our relationship, there were so many times I tried to leave, yet he did not let me, or we'd start talking again. Yet, this time, he didn't come back, and I couldn't go back. I wonder at times. Does it have to do with that other girl he is talking to already? The one that he says he likes all over facebook. The one he goes and gets drunk with, even though he declares to be a christian? Was he talking to her while he was talking to me? Honestly, I think he was. I doubt he is honest with me anymore. Why would he be? He didn't care as much as I cared for him. He didn't give as much as I gave for him. I do not want to make him sound bad because he did have good qualities. But I do know that he did not love me. I do not understand why people need someone to fill the void, lead them on, and use them for their own selfish needs. That is not love. Love is not selfish. I wish he would have been honest. However, how could he be? His desire to not be alone and have someone was greater than his desire to not hurt me. As humans, we are selfish. We put always ourselves first most of the time. I can say it is understandable; however, it is not justifiable.

So many questions flood my mind. Do I still feel hurt? Yes. I cared and loved him even though he didn't feel the same. I wish he would have been honest, so he could have told me, "I am using you; I do not love you; I will leave you; I will never be with you." Why? As harsh as it may be, I prefer the truth than having to waste my time on someone who isn't going to try to make the relationship work or on someone who does not know love. My hope was that if we stopped talking, our relationship with God would grow; we'd mature as Christians. Yet, knowing he is out getting drunk shows me that his desire to please God isn't as great as mine. I am not trying to be holier than thou because I am flawed. But I know that I am trying to leave sin, why isn't he? It is his choice, and I hope he makes the right one. I am upset at him. My hurt is speaking. It is all these questions that I might never know the answer to that overwhelm my mind but permit me to reflect on this failed attempt to love.

Even though you love or want to love someone, it does not mean they will return it. You might want to be there and make them happy, but it is not always going to work out. At times, they do not know how to love or appreciate you. Frankly, they just suck at relationships. Or they can be a totally jerk who makes you think it is all your fault and you are the unstable, crazy, flawed one like it happened to me. But that does not mean you are not good enough. It could be that they only see your flaws and not your great qualities. Or it is like what happened to me, they just used you and were selfish to get what they wanted. It happens. It is part of life. But the greatest thing I am learning to accept is that I am a great person and whoever marries me will be a lucky man because I will love and care for him, just like I did with this boy. Hopefully, my insecurities will be gone by then. I hope to learn to love myself like God loves me. The greatest realization throughout this roller coaster of a relationship and healing has been simple: I DESERVE BETTER. It might seem conceited or selfish. But I do. I do not deserve to be with a boy who disrespects and uses me. So boy, I never told you your face, but you should know that I, Claudette, deserve better. :) I can't wait to find that man God has for me, but I know he won't belittle me, and I will not undergo what I did in this past relationship. Why? Because I deserve better. ;)