Keep on Dreaming

     Dreams. We all have them. Some of us since we have been little dreamed about what we'd become as adults. Whatever age or time your dreams were created, the fact remains that you have dreams. There will be steps you'll take in your life to make them come true. And sometimes, things will go wrong. But that is life. It is full of obstacles but also of blessings. Whatever happens, those dreams remain if you decide to hold onto them until they blossom into realities.

     Nevertheless, God has dreams for our life. He has plans for each one of us. He says that we are called for a purpose. In Jeremiah 29:11 (New King James Version), God states "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Anytime you feel that there is no hope for your dreams coming true, remember God's thoughts of a future for you. Those dreams are not just within you because of someone influenced you, and they are not a mere desire. God has placed certain dreams in you. He knows the desires and petitions to your heart; therefore, he knew exactly what dream to place within that connected with what you wanted most.

      Most of our dreams coincident with our talents and gift; there is a meaning behind that. God uses all we are to praise and worship him, for his kingdom. Perhaps, we might think we don't have gifts or talents, but we do. However, we fail to see them. Everyone is good at something. You don't have to be perfect. God doesn't seek perfection; he seeks initiation, meaning that you try to participate and your best. Remember, "9 But [God] said to [us], “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore [we] will boast all the more gladly about [our] weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on [us]. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-11, New International Version). So even in your worse qualities, God will make you strong and find use of them. Why? Because once we allow God to be our Lord, everything we are, our whole being, is meant to glorify Him and bring praise to His name.

     Thus, don't give up on your dreams. In fact, ask God what His dreams are for you. Keep moving forward, and any time you feel insecure, remember, God makes you strong in any weakness. It is through those weaknesses that Christ is able to be perfected, glorified, and praise. Seek your dreams, better yet, fulfill them, for they were not placed in your heart without a purpose.
<3 Claudy

It's weird how you can spent years of your life with someone, and they never truly do the same for you. Quickly, they move on and find someone else to take their heart while yours is left to heal, enduring regret for that time lost. But bless God who is good, just, and faithful, for He stands close to those broken and left disable. Those who truly give their heart to God and leave behind "loves" and "friends" come to realize that they never lost anything, not a speck. God will bless them with great success and bring to you true love, worthy of death and His praise.

Sincerely, Claudy ♥

Broken.

   Tears flowed down my rosy cheeks. As each salty, tear drop fell, it was harder to contain myself. Emotions overwhelmed me, and I found myself gasping for air in order to control myself. Yet, there was no stopping it. My soul was venting. And as I bawled like a baby, I was secretly healing. It had finally hit me: I am broken. For the these past 6 months, the process of healing had been quick and rather swift. Due to this, I figured that if that person who hurt me contacted me, I would be fine in conversing with them. That moment came unexpectedly. However, while talking to him about how he was not a good boyfriend to the new woman in his life, and of course, after enduring my scolding about it, I came to a realization. 

     As I told him not to hurt her by flirting with other girls because he'll break her, I started to tear up. Then, it hit me. He broke me. For days, insecurity and unworthiness overtook me. I felt unworthy of ever been loved by any man, aka future potential husband, of finding love. Insecurity about being not good enough, pretty, smart, and so forth settled in my heart and mind. No one will love me. Who will ever be with me? He was the only one who found me attractive for how I look. No one else will. My thoughts were filled with such pessimism, and I became my worst enemy. I told myself to guard my heart. Nevertheless, I started taking refugee in the worse things, only harming myself. Before I knew it, I kept trying to ease my pain with  lies, desires, and sin. 

    At first, I kept declaring how singleness is a gift, and it is. However, I was hiding myself under my own philosophy, so my heart would not be on the line. Yet, when a man came into my life, the philosophy lost itself within my subconscious because there I went, flirt activated. I eventually refrain myself from flirting, too much that is, and spoke about singleness being a gift as a reminder to myself. That didn't stop my heart for looking for attention. I was hurt. And the only way to refugee myself from the pain is God, yet when I failed to spent time with him, desire started to creep in. Am I ever going to get married? Will I ever find a meaning to my life? Is there a purpose for me? These thoughts roamed my head back and forth without seeming to find an exit. There are so many hopes and dreams within me. Of course, the most obvious being that I want to get married and be a wife. There I was. Initially, lying to myself about treating singleness as a gift yet flirting, and now, letting my desires resurface. I want to get married. I want a baby. I want, want , want, want... It seems as though that is all we think about, our wants. And when we don't get what we want, sadness steps in. 

      Then, we take refugee in sin. For instance, it is not nice to be used by another person, yet it is worse to let that person still have control over your life after they have left you. Nonetheless, we believe that the only way to be rid of the pain is by other pain. Because that is all sin does: hurt, destroy, and kill. I decided to take control back. He was no longer with me nor hurting me, so why was I hurting myself for something he did to me? Why was I putting myself in further pain? That is not fair to me. He sure doesn't care about it, why should I? This is what sin does. It keeps us as captives to past experiences and pain. The worse thing of it all is that we believe it is going to help us when it is not. It might be a temporary fix, but eventually, we need more. It is like any addiction. People try a drug once, and then, they want more. Ultimately, they need stronger doses of that drug to get the same effect they did the first time. In the attempt to try to reach that escape or moment of "ecstasy," they end up overdosing and losing their life. 

     The same is with our own lies, desires, and sins. However, don't fret. God states: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37: 4 NIV). God knows the desires and wants of our heart, but He wants us to seek Him above all things. No one knows our heart better than God, our Creator. He not only knows what we want but also what we need. And rather than letting ourselves be caught up by our own lies, desires, and sins--only destroying ourselves and taking our life, we should let ourselves be submerged into God's presence in order to find who we are. God is not a temporary fix; He is an everlasting high of love, joy, and peace. Yes, moments of despair, sadness, loneliness, and many more might come, yet God is faithful and keeps His promises. Yes, I am broken, but God "...close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalms 34:18). 

         Maybe I am flawed, feel insecure, and unworthy. That is part of being human, of being alive. But we have a loving God that states we are "... fearfully and wonderfully made; [His] works are wonderful..." (Psalms 139:14) and created in his image. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, especially your own mind. Change your thoughts to those that God has about you because no one knows you better than your Creator, who "..heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalms 147:3). You are never alone, and in your worse moments, God is there. Perhaps, I am broken, but I am thankful for it because I know that God is pasting me back together as he gently heals my heart and mends my wounds. For that, I am grateful. 

Hold your tongue.

    In various occasion, frustration overcomes me due to a plethora of things: no internet, pestering brother, unanswered texts of someone you're worried about, long days at work, and the list goes on. The problem is that this frustration converts to impatience to anger to sadness to loneliness until I end up crying. However, through this progress, there are many people who suffer my wrath. And then, I feel horrible because I didn't mean to be mean. It was all driven by emotion, by temporary bubbles boiling within my being. Yet, the consequence of those actions and words can be everlasting. 
    What one fails to realize is that in the midst of those emotions, the worse--at times--can come out. We become people we do not recognize or even like, yet the overwhelming emotion within us steers our words, striking the heart, mind, and soul of another, possibly a loved one. The bible says in Proverbs 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue...(ESV)." One simple word can make or break a person. One simple word can bless or curse. One simple word can create or destroy. That is all it takes one word. 
    In knowing this, it makes me wonder how many wounds I caused as well as how many were inflicted upon me. I remember that my past relationship was verbally abusive, thus, making it emotionally and mentally abusive. His words are the scars on my heart right now. It amazed me how much his words had impacted me. Talking to him one day, he said: "your love was destroying me." That hurt. How can love destroy? Love is one of the most precious things, and in my opinion, I was doing my best to love him in Christ. I was putting myself last for his needs, so how was it destroying him? However, that wasn't my biggest concern. Those words embedded into my head like an overplayed song. After that, I started to believe that maybe my love was destroying my family and everyone around me. And I would cry. 

     However, that wasn't the case. My ex didn't want my love, didn't understand love, and doesn't even know love. I know that God loves me, and that when I love, it's His love reflecting, not mine. Yes, sometimes, Claudette's worse will come out, but God mends everything that is broken. So those words, I cancelled them in the name of Jesus Christ and declared that my love didn't destroy, but that my love is from God, shining upon the world. Maybe someone's words hurt you and the wounds are still there. You must cancel those words in the name of Jesus Christ, declare words of blessing over your life, of truth--God's truth, forgive them, and let God heal you. Since you understand that pain and how those words marked your life for some point, it is essential that you hold your tongue in times of frustration, impatience, anger, sadness, and loneliness. Words can give bless or curse, give or take, destroy or create, and give love or take it. Don't let yourself be the same creature that wounded your heart, but be the one helps heals those who are wounded in Jesus' name. :) One simple word can impact and transform a life forever. Be a blessing. Be courageous. God bless you <3 
                             
                     
                                     

Doubt.

      Have there ever been times in your life that you've doubted? Of course, there have. It may be as small as believing you took the wrong route to work or school that day. Or it may be as big as doubting you will ever get well from an illness, heartbreak, and so on. The dictionary describes doubt as: A feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. A feeling of uncertainty: well, that's how my life feels most of the time. Uncertainty echos through the walls of our minds, causing thoughts to linger about as they slowly, but surely, embed themselves into the depths of our soul, mind, and heart. It is a part of our life, of who we are. However, the real concern is how much do we let uncertainty--doubt--direct our lives?
     The greatest petition of my heart is to find true love, to get married, be a wife and mother, and serve the Lord with my husband in worship or whatever the Lord has for us. For almost 24 years, I have been single, considering I don't count my ambiguous long distance relationship. If I do, then, 23 years of being single, still a long length of time.  Nonetheless, after many crushes on christian guys, which were mostly long distance, and no long lasting relationship blossoming, one tends to wonder: Will I ever fall in love? Will I ever find the one? UNCERTAINTY. DOUBT. They are the root of other feelings, such as rejection and loneliness. Maybe I was not good enough for him: Doubt is first, and then, one starts to believe that who they are is not good enough, which is probably why that person left them. There you have it. With doubt, unworthiness and rejection come into play, and you further bash yourself when it is not necessary. God created us in His image. We are wonderfully and fearfully made by the Lord. To God, there is no doubt in His undying, eternal, and abundant love that we are beautiful and worthy enough to give His son, Jesus Christ, to shed his blood for us.
      Perhaps, there are times I let doubt direct my life. For instance, letting the scars of the past influence me to overprotect my heart to an extent that I push opportunities of love away. Other times, I find it hard to trust people or want to open up my heart. But then, I remember: Let us hold on firmly to the hope we profess, because we can trust God to keep his promise. (Hebrew 10:23, GNT). God keeps His promises for my life. He knows the petitions and desires of my heart. He recognizes I want to fall in love, marry a worshiper, be a wife and mom, and to serve Him all my life. God knows me better than I know myself. And if He is faithful to keep His promises, I will be okay. Better than okay, actually, I will be great because the greatest desires, petitions, and dreams I have for myself will come true. Not only that, but also the plans I have for myself are small compared to the ones God has for me.
     So yes, sometimes, I doubt and am uncertain that there is a good, godly, God-loving man out there for me. But my life is not directed by doubt, and shouldn't be. It should be guided and steered by God because no one knows the best path for our life than He. That is faith: To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1, GNT). Certain of the things we cannot see... It sounds easy, and to be honest, it can be easy if you trust God. I know that maybe your circumstances and surroundings might show otherwise. But God is faithful and good. As I always say, if God worries about something so important like our salvation, why wouldn't God worry about the other areas of our life? He does. Thus, open your heart, give it to God, let Him steer your life, and know that there is no greater path to follow than the one He has created for you. God bless you :)

Harden Heart?

Proverbs 28: 13-14-Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.

     After a breakup, a plethora of questions as well as actions come to mind. Why did this happen? Didn't I try hard enough? Wasn't I good enough? How could they do this to me? Why? Why? Why?! Then, comes the typical cliche. I will never date again. Forget heartbreaks, I will be single forever. I don't need anyone. The lists goes on and on. Confusion tends to set in.
    Dedicating part of your life to someone takes time and effort, sometimes even money or whatnot. However, a breakup allows you to experience loss. You perhaps not only lost the love of your life, in a sense, but also  your best friend and even, part of your life. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness and  unworthiness dwells within the depths of ones' soul. A breakup is a stab in the heart as if to shatter it into a million pieces and disconnect the soul from feeling. In order to never undergo this gruesome feeling, one tends to harden the heart. It seems like the only way to protect oneself, but one fails to realize that this supposedly protection steals valuable things, such as: hope, faith, love, etc. The hardening of ones heart is not protect, but a poison, a bitter enemy, coursing through the veins of the one shielding itself in its shelter.
    Nevertheless, it seems that the only way to heal is by not feeling, by numbing the pain. Yet deep inside, one hopes to fall in love and share an intimate relationship with a special someone. However, this will not be a reality if one's heart is harden. I know it seems like the best way to cope with the pain. For me, it was easier to succumb to sin in order to feel better, to feel wanted, to feel happy. Does the feeling last? No. The pleasures of sins are temporary; it is a false joy, never-lasting. Sin is like a balloon. One blows it up to full capacity; it looks nice on whatever it decorates for a moment. Then, the balloon starts to slowly deflate, deteriorating the soul, ceasing to exist and taking away all its glory, its supposed beauty, with it. A balloon never last; its purpose is to embellish life for a mere second, but eventually, it will end, and no one truly finds joy in it like they do in the main gift, on what is everlasting, on what is the main purpose. 
    So instead of hardening your heart, which eventually leads one to attach to sin, feel the pain. Yes, I said feel the pain. You might ask yourself, how will I survive? The answer is simple: by living. You continue on your path.It is okay to cry, but do not let that overtake your life. Yes, it hurts, but if everything was fine and dandy, then, we would not really be living.  Life is full of sorrows and joys. In the midst of pain, sorrow, chaos, trials, and tribulations, one grows, blossoms, learns, and becomes stronger. The heart is meant to feel, not to be numb. And perhaps the knife which shattered it may be still deeply embedded because you are not ready to take it out, to feel the full extent of that hurt. Medically, it is said to leave it in, prepare the damage, and then, take it out. However, spiritually, I challenge you to take it out, face the pain, and overcoming it each day. Some days will be easier than others, but trust me when I say, it is not impossible.
    By feeling the pain, I realized my need for healing. Maybe you can keep going without God. nonetheless, the greatest tool, I have found is when one seeks God in the middle of hurt. Sin, nor a new bf or crush, does not heal the wounds. They cover it for awhile, and then, you realize the pain is still there. So a pattern of covering the pain with sin starts to emerge, and you start to slowly lose yourself, hardening your heart. When you face the pain, ask God to guide you, you attack it at its root and allow yourself to take part of the opportunities God has to offer, such as: joy, faith, hope, the ability to find true love. God does not give us more than what we can handle, and by holding onto His hand we will not sink. Like I said, yes, you experienced a loss, but so did God. He gave Jesus Christ, His only son to die on the cross for you. He suffered loss for love; He knows how you feel. Trust him. Don't harden your heart and allow yourself to face the pain and know that God is holding your hand all the way through.

Psalm 23:4-Even though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for you shall be with me; your rod and staff comfort me.

Deceitful Heart

Deceitful Heart,

Why must you lie to me so?

You seek what you can’t have.

Off you go, based on emotion, forgetting all rationality and on the verge of insanity.

Deceitful Heart,

Why must you lie to me so?

4 measly chambers circulate the vitality of false hope.

Ignoring all logic of what its true biological purpose holds.

Deceitful heart,

Why must you lie to me so?

It is your duty to keep me alive, yet the role given to you by humans as the bearer of love, feelings, and soul hastens my leave of this world.

Foolish, Foolish Heart

Stop lying, no more!

Don’t you understand that there is no rationality, only tangible reality?

Deceitful Heart, remember your true object before you kill me so.

True Love Waits

True love waits. To many, this phrase simply means waiting to have sexual relations till marriage. Because if a man wants to be with you, he wants you as his wife first rather than in his bed, or back seat of the car; you get my drift. However, the meaning of true love waits changed for me.

Sometimes, I doubt God has a hubby for me. It is difficult to believe it when all the men you find are not the Christians or persons you expected them to be. Their love for God doesn't measure to yours, and you know that God will soon remove them from your life.You prepare your heart for hurt. Somehow, all of them find another girl after you, and they seem happy. And you wonder, will I ever find someone too?

It is perhaps the desire to fall in love, becoming a wife and a mom, that leads me to such doubts and thoughts. I serve God because I love him, not because I expect him to bring a good, true Christian man to my life. However, could it be that my desire to find someone is so great that it clouds my heart, that my desire keeps me from loving God to my fullest extend? Is that why, God? Is that why am I am alone still or have been hurt? I need to wait? Yes, all these questions roam around my head endlessly, rooting deeply into my brain.

Even though I have not been in a real relationship, my heart ached numerous times, perhaps still is. We expect a person to be someone we want, desire, hoped for, yet they fall short. Or simply, it is not meant to be, and God has someone else in mind for you. This thought does not cross our mind at that moment. You hear about them or see them happy. And one cannot help to wonder, why not me? Or at least I think that. I serve and love God, and that person is putting you last. And I will question God, why?

I will not lie. I do think that Christians can be judged by the testimony they give. Many say not to because God is the one that knows the heart; however, God says that by their fruits you will know them. That is why I adamantly believe you can tell when one is a true Christian. People can tell. They are not stupid although they might make illogical choices. I know that someone's walk is not well by the things they say and do. If you think we do not notice, we do. Stop trying to hide it; be honest with yourself.

I always believed, still do, that God removes these men because they are not good for my walk and both of us, him and me, need to concentrate on him. If I tell you about a boy that has liked or loved me, I will tell you what girl he ended up with after me, give or take a few months. That is how it works. I do not know why, but it does. I always see it as God's way of protecting me. It hurts a lot. Him moving on quickly makes me think we were a lie, but what person will not think that? Through the heartache, I seek God more, thanking for the pain. After a month or so, my eyes open. I realized how blessed I am to not be with the person or why I could not be with the person. Some because they are not christian, other are not in a true relationship with God, and most recently, the desire for God diminished. God always shows me why I am alone, why they left me, or why I left them as difficult as it has been. Lost friendships. Broken hearts.

My past sort of relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive. God had become second to this man. Everything was good at first, but it lost sight of God. Our sinful and deceitful hearts allowed us to believe we were good, when we were not. By far, it has been the most difficult one because at a point, he was my best friend. I left him for God, yet I am the one that hurts. I do not hurt out of choice, who does? I am happy we are not together because I know how much I was suffering and how much we fought. Yet, I pondered, why do I hurt? I want to be happy for him. I know that I deserved better. So why do I hurt when I know he is with someone else? Why?

Then, I found out why. Like I said, I do not hurt by choice. My cursed and deceitful heart aches by itself. I know I am better off without him. I hurt because I desire to fall in love, to be a wife and mom. Yes, the greatest petition of my heart is also the greatest pain. I am jealous that he has what I long for. Why him? I questioned. I left him for God, yet he finds someone, and I do not. I serve you God, yet those who do not have someone. Why? Why?! It is not fair. It does not make sense, at least to me.

True love waits. I get it. It is more than just waiting for the wedding day. It is waiting on God to send you true love. I believe that God does not want me to suffer or feel hurt. That is why He also removed all those previous boys from my life because he knew that they were not the right ones for me. In a sense, I want a radical Christian at my same level. I want someone passionate to worship and serve God, and that we can talk about Him constantly among other things. If I want someone like this, I must wait. There is still much I have to learn about love, about God. God is love. In order to know more about what love is and how to love, I must know God first. God must be my greatest petition, my greatest desire. There must be patience on my side as well as trusting God with an unfailing and unwavering faith.

Yes, doubt comes into my heart like today or when I know they have someone. I hurt because they are living/experiencing my greatest petition, but I am glad they are happy. My time will come to find true love. It may be tomorrow, the day after, weeks, months, maybe even years (hope not haha), but God knows that true love waits. He does not want me to know anything else than the love that he has for me and the love that he places in his children who love Him above all things. I might hurt, yet I am healing. I might doubt, but I am still believing. And waiting in God is my safe haven. I just pray that all white men with blue/green/hazel eyes, funny, smart, and so forth stay away. (lol) I know God has to mold me more, and that this wait will allow me to experience the greatest love ever: God's and the husband that He has for me, who will fear and love Him above all things. This is a love worth waiting for.

The Petition of my Heart

There he stood. Tall, short-brown hair, white complexion, green eyes with hints of hazel, and wearing a suit: my ideal man. His kindness reflected by the way he kissed my cheek and addressed his worries. I had never felt such love. So many years passed as I waited for him. Finally, I found him, and he was everything I wanted, plus more.
As I sing along to worship songs, I am taken back by the greatest desire in my heart. Each time I see a man of God giving him praise, my heart melts. Worshiping God elevates my heart, mind, and soul to a whole new level, where I can be one with Him. My mouth and heart constantly want to exalt Him. Thus, my future husband will be a worshiper in spirit and truth. A man who can completely surrender his heart to God in worship, prayer, and humility, is a worthy husband. Why? Because this man will know true love, 1st Cor. 13:4-8 love. If one does not have a heart conformed to that of Jesus, they cannot love like this. My heart's petition is to find love, a man who accepts me for me, flaws and all. I know that a true man of God, one who loves him above all things, will love me like God does.
Any time I think about my past relationship/friendship, I remember my prayer to God for a man who loves Him above all things. So it does not sadden me. I know God has greater things for me. Many times, we want to settle with what we have when God wants something greater for our life. We might stay with a person for a long time because we think we "love" them when in fact, we are used to them. Or the sole fact that we want to fulfill that desire of intimacy, of having someone by your side, leads us to stay with the wrong person. The blessing God has for us, in marriage, are being lost in short-term relationships. I do not want that for my life. I want a long lasting relationship where you grow old together. Love, just like God, is greater than what we think and know. And when God answers the petition of my heart, bring a Godly, righteousness man into my life, I hope and pray that our love will be a form of worship, honor, and exaltation for God. <3

Caring Without Being There

When you care about someone deeply, you tend to be there for them always as their crying shoulder. However, all that changes when they are no longer part of your life. But what doesn't change is the fact that you feel the need to be there for them.

This is how I feel right now. My heart and emotions tell me to console him. Because I knew him so well, I remember the stories he would tell. I have a great memory for certain things. Knowing right now that he might be hurting, sort of stings my heart a bit. I cannot stop caring out of nowhere. We were honest with each other, spoke constantly for two years, and shared intimate things that only God knows.

But, it is not like before. Even though my heart yearns to call or text him to console him, my mind argues not to. A battle between logic and emotions takes place within my heart and mind. Which to listen to? My compassionate side pushes to be kind and merciful, yet this side caused me to bear through various hurts and fights in this relationship. I want to tell him, "I'm sorry for your loss. I am here for you if you need me." But should I be? Some friend believe he would not even do that for me, but would he? I do not know. Maybe. We are no longer anything to each other, just a chapter closed that should not be reopened and reread.

Does it make me compassionate? Does it make me a bad Christian? The answer seems confusing and vague. Yet, if I ended this friendship/relationship with him for God, then I cannot go back. The Lord knows I want to support, console, and uplift him. Nonetheless, the best thing I can do--as a friend, a sister in Christ,as someone who loved, cared, and cherished him--is to pray. A good friend I believe I can be, but the emotional attachment of my heart must be severed. That is what he wants and always wanted in a sense. I know God does not think less of me for not consoling him, so I will not think less of myself.

As people, we cannot help to care. It is in our nature. But we always need to remind ourselves that those people or person is no longer in our life for a reason. Yes, we care about them. Therefore, the best thing is to remain strong on your own path and pray for them. Let God handle it; no one else can better than him. <3

Busy Bee

The healing continues. Sometimes, it takes time to move on from a relationship or to even leave that person. However, it is not impossible. Life offers a plethora of opportunities for us. We need to take advantage of them. People spent so much energy trying to make a relationship work that they forget about their needs and dreams, even about their friends, family, and God. They, especially teenagers, lose out on their relationships with others and those opportunities.
Now that I do not focus on that boy, I spend time on myself. Thus, I did not have time to blog as well as not think about him. That is one of the secrets to moving on: FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Do nice things for yourself, such as get a pedicure, go shopping, out with friends, to the movies, etc. For instance, since I wanted to learn another language, I am taking a Mandarin class. It is important to take risks and do things we always wanted to do. When we are in a relationship, it keeps us from focusing on ourselves and taking the time pursue our dreams.It is not only about doing what we have always wanted, but it helps us stay busy.
This past weekend was so busy. I literally had something to do all day; there were no dull moments. I spend time with friends, the youth group, and my family. Nothing is better than being with those that care about you, vice versa. Being in good company is important because they support and understand you. Happiness does not depend on that person who you were in a relationship, it depends on God; it comes from inside. There are so many things in the world to do: go dancing, learn to knit or bake, get a job, study more, write, read, volunteer, etc. There are many activities to do! Get involved and make plans.
When you start to be active, your mind will clear. You realize that your life is blessed and fulfilling. That person is far from your mind when you are enjoying yourself. It is okay to have some excitement in your life because you deserve it. You should not be sad, lonely, and bored because of a relationship, especially when that person hurt you. There is not guilt in being happy, after all, whether you left them or they left you, it didn't work out for a reason. so why dwell on it and let it bring you down? Do not let it. Enjoy life, and be happy. Being a busy bee is beneficial. Like the bee, be protective and fly freely through a field of flowers. :)

I Feel Pretty, Oh, So Pretty!

Each Tuesday and Thursday, I tend to sleep in, waking up just in time to shower, get ready, and head to work. It seems to be the same routine, with some days getting to eat lunch and others not. It was just another day. However, yesterday was different.
There was a cool breeze, with cloudy skies: my perfect weather. It reminded me of New Orleans. All you needed was a light sweater. Windows down, radio blaring, my on-and-off key-note singing made a great drive to work. My hair swayed with the breeze, my own nature-created blow dryer. As I arrived to school and parked, I was excited for what the day was to bring: A long day of work, which is not overbearing because I love my job and enjoy who I work with. After work, Mandarin class, time passed by fast while we learn and laugh. I got out of my car and walked to work. Then, it happened. I felt pretty.
As weird as that might sound to some, it is something I rarely feel. Not only that, but coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship causes one to not feel valuable; we become our worst enemy by always belittling ourselves, at times, more than our "partner" do. Feeling pretty that day was only reinforced by some compliments. Then, someone from church who is dear to me reminded me: El Corazón Alegre Hermosea El Rostro. Directly translated, it means: A happy heart beautifies the face. Or as Proverbs 13:15 states: "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance..."(NKJV). Happiness can be seen through our facial expressions more clearly than anything else. All I wanted to do, most of the day, was smile.
This is such an important phase in the healing processes. Why? Because you are starting to value yourself and realize that you are worthy. Most of the time, when we have come out of a relationship, one wonders, What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? For women, I believe this is one of the main questions we ask ourselves. As emotional beings, we are a broken record, replaying each hurtful word our "partner" told us or that moment when they left us. Our minds our flooded with questions we want answered, with the need for a meaningful closure. What did I do wrong? What? Was I that bad that he had to be away from me in order to be happy? These are all things I thought. And honestly, his words would only cut me deeper, making feel worthless. And I can prove it. For instance, he told me, "Then, this is the right path. I wasn't happy the way it was...while I appreciated the fact you cared about me, the irony is that your love was helping me die." What is one suppose to think when the person they cared and loved tell them this? It made me think my love was not good enough. I could have let this affect me in several ways: (1) Never, ever love again or get close to someone because my love will "destroy" them. (2) Try to find love, but now, I am going to still hurt them and screw it up, (3) Wonder if everyone I love will just end up getting hurt by me, and (4) Ignore it and know that there is a man out there that is worthy of my love which is valuable to him and even God.

So I tell you, there are many things that he said to me that made me feel unworthy, or to simply state it, as crap. Some were straight-out cold and hurtful. However, it is how you let those things affect you that matters. No person should make you feel inferior or unworthy. The only flawless being to exist is God; He is the perfect, pure, good, just, and honest compared to all humanity. Even God, knowing that we are lowly sinners, loves us enough to sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross. So why should we let a person who is flawed like us tell us how valuable we are? We shouldn't. Any person that belittles you should be cut from your life. Know that you are worthy and valuable. Live each day feeling pretty and singing, "I feel pretty, oh, so pretty!" <3


:P Let this be your life song ^.^

Realization

Yesterday, being Valentines day was not very bad. I was not sad nor lonely. In fact, I was shown the greatest love there is by Jesus Christ who died on the cross. <3 For that, I am grateful. Having friends, family, and co-workers that expressed their care through kind gestures, such as cupcakes and cards, was heartwarming. You do not always need a man by your side to know love. Love is everything, and it can be shared with anyone. This is why love is so amazing.

However, today, I realized that love was not mutually shared in my past relationship, if I can call it one since we were not official. There were a plethora of actions that allowed me to see this. For instance, I would always say sorry to him when I never did anything wrong. Why was I sorry for stating my opinion? There is nothing wrong with sharing what you think and being independent. Why was I sorry for expressing my feelings when I was hurt by him? Shouldn't I have a right to tell him, "How could you move on after a month of us not talking? It hurt and makes me think we were a lie." I have every right to tell him that I felt betrayed and used. Why shouldn't I? Why did I belittle myself for him? So many things were wrong. Why couldn't he take blame? He lead me on, so there should be blame in his part as well. Why was it all on me?

After asking myself all these questions, realization took place. He was selfish. I could seriously say that I cared and gave too much. Nonetheless, I believe one should give and care always because love is selfless. But it was too much giving and caring for someone who couldn't share that back. I will not deny I have my flaws, such as being jealous and insecure. But frankly, I was used. He used me. Reflecting on our relationship, there were so many times I tried to leave, yet he did not let me, or we'd start talking again. Yet, this time, he didn't come back, and I couldn't go back. I wonder at times. Does it have to do with that other girl he is talking to already? The one that he says he likes all over facebook. The one he goes and gets drunk with, even though he declares to be a christian? Was he talking to her while he was talking to me? Honestly, I think he was. I doubt he is honest with me anymore. Why would he be? He didn't care as much as I cared for him. He didn't give as much as I gave for him. I do not want to make him sound bad because he did have good qualities. But I do know that he did not love me. I do not understand why people need someone to fill the void, lead them on, and use them for their own selfish needs. That is not love. Love is not selfish. I wish he would have been honest. However, how could he be? His desire to not be alone and have someone was greater than his desire to not hurt me. As humans, we are selfish. We put always ourselves first most of the time. I can say it is understandable; however, it is not justifiable.

So many questions flood my mind. Do I still feel hurt? Yes. I cared and loved him even though he didn't feel the same. I wish he would have been honest, so he could have told me, "I am using you; I do not love you; I will leave you; I will never be with you." Why? As harsh as it may be, I prefer the truth than having to waste my time on someone who isn't going to try to make the relationship work or on someone who does not know love. My hope was that if we stopped talking, our relationship with God would grow; we'd mature as Christians. Yet, knowing he is out getting drunk shows me that his desire to please God isn't as great as mine. I am not trying to be holier than thou because I am flawed. But I know that I am trying to leave sin, why isn't he? It is his choice, and I hope he makes the right one. I am upset at him. My hurt is speaking. It is all these questions that I might never know the answer to that overwhelm my mind but permit me to reflect on this failed attempt to love.

Even though you love or want to love someone, it does not mean they will return it. You might want to be there and make them happy, but it is not always going to work out. At times, they do not know how to love or appreciate you. Frankly, they just suck at relationships. Or they can be a totally jerk who makes you think it is all your fault and you are the unstable, crazy, flawed one like it happened to me. But that does not mean you are not good enough. It could be that they only see your flaws and not your great qualities. Or it is like what happened to me, they just used you and were selfish to get what they wanted. It happens. It is part of life. But the greatest thing I am learning to accept is that I am a great person and whoever marries me will be a lucky man because I will love and care for him, just like I did with this boy. Hopefully, my insecurities will be gone by then. I hope to learn to love myself like God loves me. The greatest realization throughout this roller coaster of a relationship and healing has been simple: I DESERVE BETTER. It might seem conceited or selfish. But I do. I do not deserve to be with a boy who disrespects and uses me. So boy, I never told you your face, but you should know that I, Claudette, deserve better. :) I can't wait to find that man God has for me, but I know he won't belittle me, and I will not undergo what I did in this past relationship. Why? Because I deserve better. ;)

In Need of Healing

Many of us have dealt with heartbreak. If you deny it, I'd call you a liar. Heartbreak can even tie into the feeling of rejection, which correlates with hurt. So if you were ever rejected and felt hurt, you dealt with heartbreak--but not to its full extent. The purpose of this blog is clearly as it states. As a victim of heartbreak, not love, my heart and soul need healing. I will do my best to blog each day and yes, I will write about him, perhaps others. Sharing about him will allow me to vent and recognize that it was another chapter closed in my life. Do I blame him? Sometimes, I find that I do. Was it his fault? Like they say, it takes two to tango. It was both of us. Failed relationship comes from both sides, whether or not one tried to fight for it better than the other. Frankly, some people just suck at relationships and have no mere concept of what true love is. My basis of love comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

• ⁴ Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

There is no greater description of love than that. Not even Shakespeare could be so selfish-less as to give his life for love as Jesus Christ did on the cross. Yes, I will speak about God, but I will also share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. My hopes are that one day I can replace the word love in these biblical verses with Claudette. That way: Claudette is patient; Claudette is kind. Claudette does not envy; Claudette does not boast; Claudette is not proud, so forth. Maybe one day, through this journey of healing, I will learn to fully love without expecting love in return, but just to love everyone--each person--in this world. My heart's desire is to become a wife and a mother. However, if I can not fully heal my heart and soul, I will be incapable of doing so. Maybe, many of you need healing as well. To whoever might read this blog, I hope I can inspire and help you in your journey to healing and in your path to learning how to love.