Honestly...

Writer's block, it's weird how we are constantly obstructed by such a thing when in reality, we always have something to say. Our minds are full of racing thoughts, some of which we aim to overlook, some of which distract us from life's realities, and some of which prevent us from focusing on the matter at hand. Even as we stare into oblivion and it seems as the world is passing us by, our subconscious is working on hidden thoughts, many of which we do not want to accept or recognize. However, there comes a time we must come face to face with the lingering voice inside that we constantly aim to suppress.  At times I wonder how different my life--the world--would be if our thoughts were unveiled. Would we own up to our darkest fears, our darkest secrets, our greatest desires, our most heidous deeds?
The idea of a world where each person's thoughts are vocalized makes me wonder if I could completely embrace truth. Would it be possible to accept and know the most intimate perceptions of me by those closest, knowing that some would not be as nice as I would like? Realizing honesty is one of my core values, I question whether I am always honest to not only those around me but also to myself. Yet, the truth is that we are constantly lying to ourselves and wear masks that are--usually--socially acceptable in order to fit in. According to the Laboratory of Neuro Imaging at University of Southern California, the average individual has 70,000 thoughts per day. We are constantly reinforcing our masks with layers upon layers upon layers of hidden truths that we dare not speak or share because let's face it, the human heart is fragile and despite wanting the truth, we cannot take it. The continual need to connect with another indvidual is embeeded within each and every one of us and loneliness is a persistent reminder of that. So, how is it possible for us to truly be honest when we fear breaking those formed connections with others? Could we consider any of those attachments as real when they are build a series of omissions and slight truths? It then begs the question, what is real? Or better yet, who is real?
Now, I am not saying that people are deceitful and that we should not trust them; however, one should reflect on every relationship and the basis of not only its creation but also its foundation. A shaky foundation built on only superficial conversations is like building a house on sandy grains of dishonesty and omission. The only way to build lasting connections with a person is to unveil our hearts with beats of honesty and chambers of tactfulness. I believe that if we sought to be this way, life would be different. Therefore, I challenge you to ponder on your own relationships and determine what foundation upholds them. As for me, honesty is a value I cherish and will aim to endorse them to the best of my ability.

<3 Claudy

I think...

Originally, I started this blog because I was heartbroken. It was going to be a way for me to write out my deepest thoughts and sort out through all my emotions. I had an amazing start with it, as I was positive a great change would come to my life. However, life is not that easy. It is a roller coaster of emotions and situations that impact your life, and at the end of the day, all you are really left with is your thoughts. 
Nothing defines you more than what you think. You might base who you are on your career, education, relationship status, or status in society; however, it always falls back to what you think of yourself based on these. We tend to forget that society can only influence us if we let it. You thoughts will always be your own, as they are within you; now, I am not saying that you cannot be swayed to think a certain way, but as these year progressed, I realized that self-reflection is a must. 
As I started graduate school in Fall 2014, the journey has been difficult. I left my family, friends, church, statuses, and opportunities, A blank slate laid before me, and I started to see that the tools in my workshop were all second-rate and the statues that had been created were fallen apart as they were all false imitations of the real creation embedded within me. Routines were changing; ideas were evolving; beliefs were being questioned; discoveries were being found; yet in all of it, I was losing myself and forgetting who I was or am. 
Now, I am at a crossroads. Trying to be who I was and accepting who I am now. However, those who knew who I was cannot accept who I am now or am becoming, which makes it difficult for me to accept myself. Thus, it begs the questions: Am I really like this? Was I really like that? Do I truly agree with this belief? Do I really enjoy doing this? The questions are never-ending. I simply wonder if I cannot accept who I am now because those who knew me before do not or because I know that this is now me. Yet, part of me also thinks that who I was before is not me either. So, here I am, confused, lost, frustrated, perplexed. 
Through it all, people have even questioned if I am still a Christian, a believer. Some claim or think I am not; other think I am kidding myself; others still know that I do love God, despite my actions--those are the keepers. The only way I have been able to make it through all the mistakes and loneliness and doubt is because in my heart, I know God loves me, no matter how much I screw up. Granted, I have been screwing up a lot that I have even questioned who I am and have come to realized that I have lost myself, but I have not lost sight of God's love. My actions and words might say otherwise because I hate that people question me as their words are full of judgment as they try to inquire if I am still a believer and treat me like a child for choosing to act or be a certain way. I am not stupid. I am aware of the decisions I make and despite knowing some are idiotic. I must accept the consequences.
Nevertheless, do not fail to know that mistakes are part of self-discovery. I am finding myself once more. There are many aspects of myself that those who knew me before do not like, but there are some that I do like, and I have come to see that the only opinions and thoughts that matter are those I think and believe. It is like Paul states in Philippians 3:14, "I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." We are constantly pressing on in life, fighting the good fight. May times, we are giving up on the good fight, but nonetheless, we are fighting to fulfill our purpose, find our calling, and find ourselves.
Do I believe I am my best me now? No. I am constantly pondering on my actions, beliefs, choices, and life in general. My slate is persistently being renewed and recreated, as several slates sit within my workshop called life. The story is full of numerous statues that display the chapters of the voyage we are taking. I am still finding myself. I am still finding God. I am still me, for better or worse. Whether you hate who I am now and loved who I was before or simply continue to love me, I challenge you to also think about the journey you are talking or have taken. Like Rene Descartes once said, Cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore, I am).It all starts through who we think we are, and we can only find ourselves through sorting out our thoughts and unearthing the real roots of our beliefs and ideals to be the best us we can be. 

<3 Claudy

Be Thankful Each Day

For many, New Years marks a new beginning, a clean slate. It is also a reminder of blessings, a day to give thanks. However, as my family sat, knelled, and laid on the floor to pray, I realized I could not recall the first half the of year, so how could I give thanks for something I seemed to forget?

In May, I had surgery, and I am still alive and well, and at the moment, we gave thanks to God, I forgot to thank him for one of the hardest trials in my life. Nevertheless, my mom did not forget; she prayed with a grateful heart. My father also praised God for taking care of all year long. Was I not grateful to God, having forgotten one of the acts he did for me?

I am grateful, but His blessings are so abundant to count in one day, one night, one hour. New Years should be a time of celebration, of course, but it should not be the only time of reflection and thanks. Each day is a gift, full of blessings and wonder. There is awe all around us, simply by seeing a sun set or the laughter and smile of a loved one.

Perhaps, this past year had difficulties for you. I know mine did. Many times throughout the year, I faced hardships and wondered how I would continue to move forward in the midst of my sorrow. However, in spite of my pain, I learned to be thankful because I am blessed with a supportive family, surrounded by caring friends and even co-workers, and most of all, I am loved by a loving, merciful God who never abandons me. No matter what you encountered last year and might fact this coming year, know that you are loved by God who gave his son for you. Please know that you are here now, and that in itself is a blessing.

Therefore, I challenge to see beyond one day of the year, beyond New Years. For each day, you should reflect on what that day has brought; be thankful for the good and the bad; see the blessing all around you; and mostly important, be a reflection of love and blessing to not only your loved ones but those who might despise you. Life is not easy, and it is full of hardship, but it is also full of awe, wonder, and love, but it must all start with you. Be wonder and love in someone's life, for I have learned that it is better to give than receive, and it is better to love than be loved, for only then the world can be as God intended to be, full of love. <3 Happy New Year and God bless you. :)

Rejection is a great gift if you truly think about it. It keeps us from giving our whole heart to the wrong person who God doesn't have for us. Rejection is, in a way, guarding your heart when you have failed to guard it yourself. It is why through prayer we must constantly ask God to help us be wise when it comes to our heart, and we must constantly bind and control our emotions for they can be deceiving. God loves us unconditionally, and thanks to rejection, we remember to turn to him for he must always be our first love. In due time, God will reveal to you the one destined for you that you have been yearning for because that true love is worth waiting for. It is then you'll say, "Thank you, God, for all those rejections, for without them, I wouldn't have found the one you created for me." 

Letting Go.

Can you recall one of the happiest moments of your childhood? For many, this might be easy. For others, like myself, it may be difficult. Many of us have had unpleasant situations as we grew up and even, now. Yet, the past is the past. It happened already, so we should let it go. Yes, this would be the ideal reaction to how we see our past; however, our past becomes a constant replay in our minds.
When it comes to letting go of the past, we are the worse experts. In fact, we are experts in bringing up the past, whether it is ours or another's. But, what is the point in doing that? The only time the past should be spoken about is when it is to either rejoice in good memories or reflect on lessons learns. Thinking about my past, which is such a great one, I focus on one aspect: God. There were many instances in my childhood, teen-hood, and even adulthood where I suffered. One of them being a child and witness to an alcoholic and drug addict father, another is the attempt to take my life, while other past moments are heartbreaks by loved ones or people in general. My past is tainted with hurtful experiences, and perhaps yours is too; nevertheless, our focus should be God's mercy. 
I refer to God as the look-where-I-am-now phrase of life. Why? Because reflecting on my past and the path I was heading towards, I would not be here were it not for God's mercy,  love, and grace which He has embedded in me, and every person who decides to make Him part of their life. I should be dead, but He saved me. Yeah, I know my past is not the greatest, but I am here standing for a reason. You are here standing for a reason. Your past is simply that, the past, a chaotic tempest in the midst of the ocean which has now passed and settled. You can choose to see your past as a passing though through ones mind. I know it is not easy, hence why I say we are professionals in bringing up the past. With God, all things are possible, and we can learn from Him how to let go.
Out of all the beings in the universe, God is the most powerful in existence: he is all knowing, all present, and all powerful. Despite all these characteristics of God, there is one component He chooses to forget often: the past. In Isaiah 43:25, God states, "“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins."Although this biblical verse uses the word "sin," it is still obvious that God is forgetting the past because God is forgetting an action a person has already done. Constantly, throughout the bible, God states that He shall not remember our sins, and He states that He will bury our sins, or past, into the deepest ends of the bottom of the ocean. When I think about this, it amazes me. How can the God and Creator of all the universe forget my past and transgressions against me? It is simple: God is love, and He loves me. Due to this love, He does not want me to hurt, and if I am willing to repent and let go, He is willing to forgive and forget. 
In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Even though I believe all of the understand of love is necessary to help us go, my focus is on two main points: Love is not self-seeking, and Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Many times, when we bring up the past, we do it to hurt those around us or to remind someone that they have hurt us. It is a constant tool used in arguments to get ones way: "You did this to me, so now you must do this for me to make up for that time!" How is that love? We are not only seeking our benefit, ignoring the needs of the other person, but we are keeping a record of wrongs like if you have never messed up in your life before. That is not love, and one needs love always. 
Furthermore, the past is just a record of wrongs. Perhaps, you keep a record of your wrongs and constantly believe you are unworthy or do not deserve better because of poor or bad choices you made in the past. Let me tell you this: we are all flawed, and we make mistakes. However, the biggest mistake you can make is letting your past control your future. Frankly, that is what many of us do. We choose to not take risk because we are afraid of failure. We turn down opportunities because it is probably going to turn out bad like that other time. We are stealing our own blessings because we are letting the past steer the wheel of our life. Stop keeping a record of wrongs. Love yourself, but most importantly, forgive yourself. 
God, the maker of the universe, gave His only son, Jesus Christ to die for your sins, for your past mistakes. He gives you a blank slate to start over every time you mess up. He is the antidote for the poisoned past you have and still let to this day kill you slowly. That is what holding on to the past is: a poison inside you. Choose life today by choosing Jesus and letting go. God does not remember your past if you repent. He is the perfect example of letting go of the past. Maybe you feel you cannot do it, and honestly, without God, you cannot let go and heal. However, God is always with open arms willing to guide you. Do not let your past pave your future anymore, for if you do that, there is a gloomy dark cloud enveloping the light you desire to have. Let go today, so you can have a better tomorrow. 

<3 Claudy 

Your Heart, Where is it?

The heart. Four chambers working together to pump blood throughout the whole body. Without a strong, healthy heart, our body cannot receive the oxygen and nutrition it needs to keep functioning. The heart is the center of our life force, and the blood within it, is the key to our existence. However, the heart is more than merely an organ; it goes beyond the physical and into the spiritual. The bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23, "Above everything else guard your heart, because from it flow the springs of life." Clearly, our heart is the source of life, the source of our existence. So today I ask you, what flows within your heart?
As I thought about this for weeks, Guard my heart, I wondered what God meant. How do I guard my heart? I feel pain, joy, sorrow, anger, and so many other emotions. To me, that is what the heart holds, emotions. When it comes to emotions, I have several. I am an emotional basket case you can say. However, throughout the weeks, God showed me that guarding my heart was more than that. During a youth conference with Jonathan Shuttlesworth, God clearly pointed out to me how to guard my heart: you must guard what you hear and you must guard what you see. 
Anytime, I permitted myself to hear gossip. I was allowing my heart to be poisoned. The same applied when people judged or criticized me. I took their word to be true when clearly, the only word that is truth and life is that of God. When people tell you, you are not worthy and will not amount to anything, you need to rebuke those words to guard your heart. You must guard what you hear, so constantly be hearing God's word for your life. God says, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, so if someone is telling you the opposite, clearly, those are not words of truth or life and those words will only bring death to you. Do not let it be so. Furthermore, guard what you see. If you are seeing or even reading subjects that tempt you and cause you doubt what God has called you to be, which is a saint, then I recommend you stop allowing that to be part of your life.  God called you for great missions, and allowing your life to be filled by trash is something you want to avoid. Therefore, what are you permitting yourself to hear and see? If it is not edifying and helping you in your walk with God and personally, then there is no need to hear or see it. For one must guard their heart, and one does this by guarding also their thoughts. 

Now, yes, it is important to know how to guard the heart, but also to know why. Like we saw earlier, from the heart springs life. The bible says in Matthew 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Where is your heart? For a long time, I gave my heart to the wrong persons. And for years, my heart was trampled on. My past "relationship" not only broke my heart but also poisoned it. I did not guard what I heard, which was negative and condensing remarks, such as me being like a cancer. I did not guard what I saw, which were constantly reading those lies about myself. It tainted my thoughts and heart with false truths that God had never said about me. I gave my heart to the wrong man, and for that, my heart, my life was suffering. For me, it was this man for a long time. However, for you, it can be anyone. Where does your heart lie? Who have you given it to? What are you allowing your heart to see and hear? 

Wherever you heart is, I will tell you this: if your heart is not in God's hands, then you are not guarding it correctly. The greatest treasure we can have in our lives is Jesus Christ. When we give our heart to God, it is in the best hands. Why? God is love, and there is no greater, unconditional, and perfect love like His. At times, we do not realize this until our heart has been shattered, but if you have placed your heart in the wrong hands, there is still time to place it in God's hands. It was in His hands that my heart was mended and healed. I know that God will never hurt me, so I do my best to guard and give him my heart. I am not saying it is easy, but I am saying it is best. I vowed to guard my heart and to love Him above all things because I know that my heart is better in His hands than mine. I exhort you to do the same vow today. Think about where your heart is and what you are allowing to go into it. From your heart springs life, and a life without God, is simply a life without love, peace, and happiness. So make the right choice and allow God to be the holder of your heart. Trust me, you can never go wrong with God. 

<3 Claudy 

Worthy

There are times we look in the mirror and see nothing valuable. Our vision is clouded by the mistakes of our past, the wounds inflicted by others--even ourselves, and the flaws we cannot seem to fix. Thus, we are blinded by the criticism of others and our own, always believing we are never enough for anyone. Yes, that is what we see in the mirror. It is not the reflection of who we truly are, but of whom we have become after all the weathering by life. What do you see? What is your reflection?

Many of us try to put a strong front, acting confident. Others' mirrors are always dirty while others have a few clean spots. It is rare to accept yourself for who you are, yet why do we expect others to accept us? Acceptance must first come from you, allowing yourself to know that it is okay to mess up. The world does not end at one mistake; instead, it blossoms, leading us into a whole new level of maturity and self reflection. By making those mistakes, we are able to grow and the roots that holds us become stronger. The storm will come, but our roots will remain firm. However, how do they become this way? 

The Creator of the Universe reminds us of this: “...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Our flaws--our weakness--are opportunities for God to grow in us. There are many areas in our lives that we cannot accept or seem to let go. We might not comprehend why we speak, sing, talk, walk, look, think, etc in a certain way. At times, we may hate it and desire to be like others. Yet, in those flaws, mistakes, wounds, and weaknesses, God becomes strong in us. His Glory shines in us. 

One day, I asked God why I looked the way I did. In a vision, the Lord took me to a mirror. I only saw light and could barely see my face. Then, He said, "This is how I see you: a radiant light. Everyone else will see my Glory shine in you." The same is for you. He confirms it with his word: "And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18). It was then that I knew that God saw me more than I saw myself. I was worth more than I ever thought. 

I am not saying it is easy to believe it, especially when there are many whirlwinds in life that tear us apart. Nonetheless, you, who feel worthless and invaluable, are must more than meets the eye. You are so special that you were bought in blood, which was shed by Jesus Christ. You are worthy, thanks to Jesus. When you welcome Jesus your heart, you are not only forgiven all your sins but are also made into a child of God, of the Most High. Every blessings in Ephesians 1, calling you beloved, blessed, holy, and so forth are true. YOU ARE WORTHY! 

So I call you today to forgive yourself, forgive those who hurt you, repent of your sins, and open your heart to Jesus. For you are more than what you and others see. And when you look into that mirror again, remember to tell yourself: I am the child of the Most High. I was bought with the price of blood. I am Worthy because Jesus Christ lives in my heart.

God bless you,
Claudy <3

Blessings in Disguise

Almost a year ago, I decided that it would be best to end a long distance relationship/friendship. In fact, there is no clear classification of it. Whatever it was, God has put it in my heart to end it completely. It lasted close to two years, and many times, I had tried to end it but was unsuccessful. I didn't see why this time it would be any different. However, my conviction was stronger than before. I felt such a great pull from God and knew that God had given and done so much for me. I needed to do what He asked from me and be obedient.
That night, I cried and told him, let's call him P, that I couldn't talk to him anymore. He was okay with it. For those first few days, I wrote him letters about why I needed to let go but didn't. It seemed like he didn't care. After a month, he liked someone else, and by the second month, he was dating her. I was distraught. Everything we had gone through was a lie. He never cared about me or had feelings for me since he moved on so easily. It was the reason I started this blog. I was hurting. At first, church helped me a lot, but after discovering all this, my heart was void. I didn't know how to handle it. Everything I wanted him to be for me, he was willing to be for her. He moved for her; he wanted to change for her; he made her the healing of his suffering. I couldn't see why. It made me feel worthless and insecure, but I had to let go, no matter how hard it was. I told God I would.
Each month was difficult. Not only had I lost someone I had deep feelings for, but I also lost my best friend. For 2 years, we had constantly text messaged and talked every day. I knew him like no one else did, even knew his darkest secrets. And all of that was gone. It takes getting used to. Nonetheless, the process isn't easy. Most of time, I found myself text messaging him because I was so angry. There was so much resentment and bitterness in my heart. I wanted to hate him; I wanted answers. He gave her what I wanted from him, and I resented him more. He even had the nerve to flirt at times, but I didn't want to be like him; I didn't want to be the cause for her pain even though it seemed like revenge for me. Although I was hurt and angry, I couldn't make myself hate him because hate isn't of God. I couldn't be the someone who ended a relationship out of selfishness. I knew that there was a greater purpose to this, and God was going to show as well as help me.
Several months passed, and I knew the person I once cared and loved was gone. He had given away his virginity, told me straight out God was an invisible man in the sky, and completely renounced his faith. He just gave up. P had a complete change of heart, of identity, of existence. I am not claiming he was perfect or so godly before, but he at least cared enough to fight the good fight. In the coldness of his heart, there was a flame of light. However, now, that flame was an icicle. Saddened by this, I comprehended that his soul was more important than any feelings I possessed about him. Till this day, P claims to believe in God but not to follow him, which I believe is worse. Yet, I know that it is the wounds of life that enclosed him in the dark cold.
My realization was this: he can never truly love without God, and God knows the desires of my heart so well that he knew P wasn't the right man for me. I need and want true love. God knew I couldn't be with a man who is unfaithful to not only Him but also me. So be grateful for the pain. For the pain, hurt, sadness, and anger you feel right now is a blessing in disguise. It might not seem like it now, but God will show you the purpose of your trial and troubles. They are meant to mold our character, strengthen our relationship with him, but mostly, guard our hearts--to protect the love we feel for Him, and He feels for us. So I am grateful for my broken heart. I see now that the pain I underwent was in a way self afflicted because I strayed from what God wants for my life. However, the other trials that weren't a consequence of my sin also allow me to see and experience God's love firsthand. Because through each tear shed, He comforted me more than anyone, healed my heart, and reminded me that I deserve a love like His in my life and shouldn't settle for less. Yes, He is truly my first love, and my pains, troubles, and trials are my blessings in disguise, for they lead me to my Creator, my Father, each time. For that, I am grateful.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~Claudette

Keep on Dreaming

     Dreams. We all have them. Some of us since we have been little dreamed about what we'd become as adults. Whatever age or time your dreams were created, the fact remains that you have dreams. There will be steps you'll take in your life to make them come true. And sometimes, things will go wrong. But that is life. It is full of obstacles but also of blessings. Whatever happens, those dreams remain if you decide to hold onto them until they blossom into realities.

     Nevertheless, God has dreams for our life. He has plans for each one of us. He says that we are called for a purpose. In Jeremiah 29:11 (New King James Version), God states "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Anytime you feel that there is no hope for your dreams coming true, remember God's thoughts of a future for you. Those dreams are not just within you because of someone influenced you, and they are not a mere desire. God has placed certain dreams in you. He knows the desires and petitions to your heart; therefore, he knew exactly what dream to place within that connected with what you wanted most.

      Most of our dreams coincident with our talents and gift; there is a meaning behind that. God uses all we are to praise and worship him, for his kingdom. Perhaps, we might think we don't have gifts or talents, but we do. However, we fail to see them. Everyone is good at something. You don't have to be perfect. God doesn't seek perfection; he seeks initiation, meaning that you try to participate and your best. Remember, "9 But [God] said to [us], “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore [we] will boast all the more gladly about [our] weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on [us]. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-11, New International Version). So even in your worse qualities, God will make you strong and find use of them. Why? Because once we allow God to be our Lord, everything we are, our whole being, is meant to glorify Him and bring praise to His name.

     Thus, don't give up on your dreams. In fact, ask God what His dreams are for you. Keep moving forward, and any time you feel insecure, remember, God makes you strong in any weakness. It is through those weaknesses that Christ is able to be perfected, glorified, and praise. Seek your dreams, better yet, fulfill them, for they were not placed in your heart without a purpose.
<3 Claudy

It's weird how you can spent years of your life with someone, and they never truly do the same for you. Quickly, they move on and find someone else to take their heart while yours is left to heal, enduring regret for that time lost. But bless God who is good, just, and faithful, for He stands close to those broken and left disable. Those who truly give their heart to God and leave behind "loves" and "friends" come to realize that they never lost anything, not a speck. God will bless them with great success and bring to you true love, worthy of death and His praise.

Sincerely, Claudy ♥

Broken.

   Tears flowed down my rosy cheeks. As each salty, tear drop fell, it was harder to contain myself. Emotions overwhelmed me, and I found myself gasping for air in order to control myself. Yet, there was no stopping it. My soul was venting. And as I bawled like a baby, I was secretly healing. It had finally hit me: I am broken. For the these past 6 months, the process of healing had been quick and rather swift. Due to this, I figured that if that person who hurt me contacted me, I would be fine in conversing with them. That moment came unexpectedly. However, while talking to him about how he was not a good boyfriend to the new woman in his life, and of course, after enduring my scolding about it, I came to a realization. 

     As I told him not to hurt her by flirting with other girls because he'll break her, I started to tear up. Then, it hit me. He broke me. For days, insecurity and unworthiness overtook me. I felt unworthy of ever been loved by any man, aka future potential husband, of finding love. Insecurity about being not good enough, pretty, smart, and so forth settled in my heart and mind. No one will love me. Who will ever be with me? He was the only one who found me attractive for how I look. No one else will. My thoughts were filled with such pessimism, and I became my worst enemy. I told myself to guard my heart. Nevertheless, I started taking refugee in the worse things, only harming myself. Before I knew it, I kept trying to ease my pain with  lies, desires, and sin. 

    At first, I kept declaring how singleness is a gift, and it is. However, I was hiding myself under my own philosophy, so my heart would not be on the line. Yet, when a man came into my life, the philosophy lost itself within my subconscious because there I went, flirt activated. I eventually refrain myself from flirting, too much that is, and spoke about singleness being a gift as a reminder to myself. That didn't stop my heart for looking for attention. I was hurt. And the only way to refugee myself from the pain is God, yet when I failed to spent time with him, desire started to creep in. Am I ever going to get married? Will I ever find a meaning to my life? Is there a purpose for me? These thoughts roamed my head back and forth without seeming to find an exit. There are so many hopes and dreams within me. Of course, the most obvious being that I want to get married and be a wife. There I was. Initially, lying to myself about treating singleness as a gift yet flirting, and now, letting my desires resurface. I want to get married. I want a baby. I want, want , want, want... It seems as though that is all we think about, our wants. And when we don't get what we want, sadness steps in. 

      Then, we take refugee in sin. For instance, it is not nice to be used by another person, yet it is worse to let that person still have control over your life after they have left you. Nonetheless, we believe that the only way to be rid of the pain is by other pain. Because that is all sin does: hurt, destroy, and kill. I decided to take control back. He was no longer with me nor hurting me, so why was I hurting myself for something he did to me? Why was I putting myself in further pain? That is not fair to me. He sure doesn't care about it, why should I? This is what sin does. It keeps us as captives to past experiences and pain. The worse thing of it all is that we believe it is going to help us when it is not. It might be a temporary fix, but eventually, we need more. It is like any addiction. People try a drug once, and then, they want more. Ultimately, they need stronger doses of that drug to get the same effect they did the first time. In the attempt to try to reach that escape or moment of "ecstasy," they end up overdosing and losing their life. 

     The same is with our own lies, desires, and sins. However, don't fret. God states: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37: 4 NIV). God knows the desires and wants of our heart, but He wants us to seek Him above all things. No one knows our heart better than God, our Creator. He not only knows what we want but also what we need. And rather than letting ourselves be caught up by our own lies, desires, and sins--only destroying ourselves and taking our life, we should let ourselves be submerged into God's presence in order to find who we are. God is not a temporary fix; He is an everlasting high of love, joy, and peace. Yes, moments of despair, sadness, loneliness, and many more might come, yet God is faithful and keeps His promises. Yes, I am broken, but God "...close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalms 34:18). 

         Maybe I am flawed, feel insecure, and unworthy. That is part of being human, of being alive. But we have a loving God that states we are "... fearfully and wonderfully made; [His] works are wonderful..." (Psalms 139:14) and created in his image. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, especially your own mind. Change your thoughts to those that God has about you because no one knows you better than your Creator, who "..heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalms 147:3). You are never alone, and in your worse moments, God is there. Perhaps, I am broken, but I am thankful for it because I know that God is pasting me back together as he gently heals my heart and mends my wounds. For that, I am grateful. 

Hold your tongue.

    In various occasion, frustration overcomes me due to a plethora of things: no internet, pestering brother, unanswered texts of someone you're worried about, long days at work, and the list goes on. The problem is that this frustration converts to impatience to anger to sadness to loneliness until I end up crying. However, through this progress, there are many people who suffer my wrath. And then, I feel horrible because I didn't mean to be mean. It was all driven by emotion, by temporary bubbles boiling within my being. Yet, the consequence of those actions and words can be everlasting. 
    What one fails to realize is that in the midst of those emotions, the worse--at times--can come out. We become people we do not recognize or even like, yet the overwhelming emotion within us steers our words, striking the heart, mind, and soul of another, possibly a loved one. The bible says in Proverbs 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue...(ESV)." One simple word can make or break a person. One simple word can bless or curse. One simple word can create or destroy. That is all it takes one word. 
    In knowing this, it makes me wonder how many wounds I caused as well as how many were inflicted upon me. I remember that my past relationship was verbally abusive, thus, making it emotionally and mentally abusive. His words are the scars on my heart right now. It amazed me how much his words had impacted me. Talking to him one day, he said: "your love was destroying me." That hurt. How can love destroy? Love is one of the most precious things, and in my opinion, I was doing my best to love him in Christ. I was putting myself last for his needs, so how was it destroying him? However, that wasn't my biggest concern. Those words embedded into my head like an overplayed song. After that, I started to believe that maybe my love was destroying my family and everyone around me. And I would cry. 

     However, that wasn't the case. My ex didn't want my love, didn't understand love, and doesn't even know love. I know that God loves me, and that when I love, it's His love reflecting, not mine. Yes, sometimes, Claudette's worse will come out, but God mends everything that is broken. So those words, I cancelled them in the name of Jesus Christ and declared that my love didn't destroy, but that my love is from God, shining upon the world. Maybe someone's words hurt you and the wounds are still there. You must cancel those words in the name of Jesus Christ, declare words of blessing over your life, of truth--God's truth, forgive them, and let God heal you. Since you understand that pain and how those words marked your life for some point, it is essential that you hold your tongue in times of frustration, impatience, anger, sadness, and loneliness. Words can give bless or curse, give or take, destroy or create, and give love or take it. Don't let yourself be the same creature that wounded your heart, but be the one helps heals those who are wounded in Jesus' name. :) One simple word can impact and transform a life forever. Be a blessing. Be courageous. God bless you <3 
                             
                     
                                     

Doubt.

      Have there ever been times in your life that you've doubted? Of course, there have. It may be as small as believing you took the wrong route to work or school that day. Or it may be as big as doubting you will ever get well from an illness, heartbreak, and so on. The dictionary describes doubt as: A feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. A feeling of uncertainty: well, that's how my life feels most of the time. Uncertainty echos through the walls of our minds, causing thoughts to linger about as they slowly, but surely, embed themselves into the depths of our soul, mind, and heart. It is a part of our life, of who we are. However, the real concern is how much do we let uncertainty--doubt--direct our lives?
     The greatest petition of my heart is to find true love, to get married, be a wife and mother, and serve the Lord with my husband in worship or whatever the Lord has for us. For almost 24 years, I have been single, considering I don't count my ambiguous long distance relationship. If I do, then, 23 years of being single, still a long length of time.  Nonetheless, after many crushes on christian guys, which were mostly long distance, and no long lasting relationship blossoming, one tends to wonder: Will I ever fall in love? Will I ever find the one? UNCERTAINTY. DOUBT. They are the root of other feelings, such as rejection and loneliness. Maybe I was not good enough for him: Doubt is first, and then, one starts to believe that who they are is not good enough, which is probably why that person left them. There you have it. With doubt, unworthiness and rejection come into play, and you further bash yourself when it is not necessary. God created us in His image. We are wonderfully and fearfully made by the Lord. To God, there is no doubt in His undying, eternal, and abundant love that we are beautiful and worthy enough to give His son, Jesus Christ, to shed his blood for us.
      Perhaps, there are times I let doubt direct my life. For instance, letting the scars of the past influence me to overprotect my heart to an extent that I push opportunities of love away. Other times, I find it hard to trust people or want to open up my heart. But then, I remember: Let us hold on firmly to the hope we profess, because we can trust God to keep his promise. (Hebrew 10:23, GNT). God keeps His promises for my life. He knows the petitions and desires of my heart. He recognizes I want to fall in love, marry a worshiper, be a wife and mom, and to serve Him all my life. God knows me better than I know myself. And if He is faithful to keep His promises, I will be okay. Better than okay, actually, I will be great because the greatest desires, petitions, and dreams I have for myself will come true. Not only that, but also the plans I have for myself are small compared to the ones God has for me.
     So yes, sometimes, I doubt and am uncertain that there is a good, godly, God-loving man out there for me. But my life is not directed by doubt, and shouldn't be. It should be guided and steered by God because no one knows the best path for our life than He. That is faith: To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1, GNT). Certain of the things we cannot see... It sounds easy, and to be honest, it can be easy if you trust God. I know that maybe your circumstances and surroundings might show otherwise. But God is faithful and good. As I always say, if God worries about something so important like our salvation, why wouldn't God worry about the other areas of our life? He does. Thus, open your heart, give it to God, let Him steer your life, and know that there is no greater path to follow than the one He has created for you. God bless you :)

Harden Heart?

Proverbs 28: 13-14-Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity.

     After a breakup, a plethora of questions as well as actions come to mind. Why did this happen? Didn't I try hard enough? Wasn't I good enough? How could they do this to me? Why? Why? Why?! Then, comes the typical cliche. I will never date again. Forget heartbreaks, I will be single forever. I don't need anyone. The lists goes on and on. Confusion tends to set in.
    Dedicating part of your life to someone takes time and effort, sometimes even money or whatnot. However, a breakup allows you to experience loss. You perhaps not only lost the love of your life, in a sense, but also  your best friend and even, part of your life. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness and  unworthiness dwells within the depths of ones' soul. A breakup is a stab in the heart as if to shatter it into a million pieces and disconnect the soul from feeling. In order to never undergo this gruesome feeling, one tends to harden the heart. It seems like the only way to protect oneself, but one fails to realize that this supposedly protection steals valuable things, such as: hope, faith, love, etc. The hardening of ones heart is not protect, but a poison, a bitter enemy, coursing through the veins of the one shielding itself in its shelter.
    Nevertheless, it seems that the only way to heal is by not feeling, by numbing the pain. Yet deep inside, one hopes to fall in love and share an intimate relationship with a special someone. However, this will not be a reality if one's heart is harden. I know it seems like the best way to cope with the pain. For me, it was easier to succumb to sin in order to feel better, to feel wanted, to feel happy. Does the feeling last? No. The pleasures of sins are temporary; it is a false joy, never-lasting. Sin is like a balloon. One blows it up to full capacity; it looks nice on whatever it decorates for a moment. Then, the balloon starts to slowly deflate, deteriorating the soul, ceasing to exist and taking away all its glory, its supposed beauty, with it. A balloon never last; its purpose is to embellish life for a mere second, but eventually, it will end, and no one truly finds joy in it like they do in the main gift, on what is everlasting, on what is the main purpose. 
    So instead of hardening your heart, which eventually leads one to attach to sin, feel the pain. Yes, I said feel the pain. You might ask yourself, how will I survive? The answer is simple: by living. You continue on your path.It is okay to cry, but do not let that overtake your life. Yes, it hurts, but if everything was fine and dandy, then, we would not really be living.  Life is full of sorrows and joys. In the midst of pain, sorrow, chaos, trials, and tribulations, one grows, blossoms, learns, and becomes stronger. The heart is meant to feel, not to be numb. And perhaps the knife which shattered it may be still deeply embedded because you are not ready to take it out, to feel the full extent of that hurt. Medically, it is said to leave it in, prepare the damage, and then, take it out. However, spiritually, I challenge you to take it out, face the pain, and overcoming it each day. Some days will be easier than others, but trust me when I say, it is not impossible.
    By feeling the pain, I realized my need for healing. Maybe you can keep going without God. nonetheless, the greatest tool, I have found is when one seeks God in the middle of hurt. Sin, nor a new bf or crush, does not heal the wounds. They cover it for awhile, and then, you realize the pain is still there. So a pattern of covering the pain with sin starts to emerge, and you start to slowly lose yourself, hardening your heart. When you face the pain, ask God to guide you, you attack it at its root and allow yourself to take part of the opportunities God has to offer, such as: joy, faith, hope, the ability to find true love. God does not give us more than what we can handle, and by holding onto His hand we will not sink. Like I said, yes, you experienced a loss, but so did God. He gave Jesus Christ, His only son to die on the cross for you. He suffered loss for love; He knows how you feel. Trust him. Don't harden your heart and allow yourself to face the pain and know that God is holding your hand all the way through.

Psalm 23:4-Even though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for you shall be with me; your rod and staff comfort me.

Deceitful Heart

Deceitful Heart,

Why must you lie to me so?

You seek what you can’t have.

Off you go, based on emotion, forgetting all rationality and on the verge of insanity.

Deceitful Heart,

Why must you lie to me so?

4 measly chambers circulate the vitality of false hope.

Ignoring all logic of what its true biological purpose holds.

Deceitful heart,

Why must you lie to me so?

It is your duty to keep me alive, yet the role given to you by humans as the bearer of love, feelings, and soul hastens my leave of this world.

Foolish, Foolish Heart

Stop lying, no more!

Don’t you understand that there is no rationality, only tangible reality?

Deceitful Heart, remember your true object before you kill me so.

True Love Waits

True love waits. To many, this phrase simply means waiting to have sexual relations till marriage. Because if a man wants to be with you, he wants you as his wife first rather than in his bed, or back seat of the car; you get my drift. However, the meaning of true love waits changed for me.

Sometimes, I doubt God has a hubby for me. It is difficult to believe it when all the men you find are not the Christians or persons you expected them to be. Their love for God doesn't measure to yours, and you know that God will soon remove them from your life.You prepare your heart for hurt. Somehow, all of them find another girl after you, and they seem happy. And you wonder, will I ever find someone too?

It is perhaps the desire to fall in love, becoming a wife and a mom, that leads me to such doubts and thoughts. I serve God because I love him, not because I expect him to bring a good, true Christian man to my life. However, could it be that my desire to find someone is so great that it clouds my heart, that my desire keeps me from loving God to my fullest extend? Is that why, God? Is that why am I am alone still or have been hurt? I need to wait? Yes, all these questions roam around my head endlessly, rooting deeply into my brain.

Even though I have not been in a real relationship, my heart ached numerous times, perhaps still is. We expect a person to be someone we want, desire, hoped for, yet they fall short. Or simply, it is not meant to be, and God has someone else in mind for you. This thought does not cross our mind at that moment. You hear about them or see them happy. And one cannot help to wonder, why not me? Or at least I think that. I serve and love God, and that person is putting you last. And I will question God, why?

I will not lie. I do think that Christians can be judged by the testimony they give. Many say not to because God is the one that knows the heart; however, God says that by their fruits you will know them. That is why I adamantly believe you can tell when one is a true Christian. People can tell. They are not stupid although they might make illogical choices. I know that someone's walk is not well by the things they say and do. If you think we do not notice, we do. Stop trying to hide it; be honest with yourself.

I always believed, still do, that God removes these men because they are not good for my walk and both of us, him and me, need to concentrate on him. If I tell you about a boy that has liked or loved me, I will tell you what girl he ended up with after me, give or take a few months. That is how it works. I do not know why, but it does. I always see it as God's way of protecting me. It hurts a lot. Him moving on quickly makes me think we were a lie, but what person will not think that? Through the heartache, I seek God more, thanking for the pain. After a month or so, my eyes open. I realized how blessed I am to not be with the person or why I could not be with the person. Some because they are not christian, other are not in a true relationship with God, and most recently, the desire for God diminished. God always shows me why I am alone, why they left me, or why I left them as difficult as it has been. Lost friendships. Broken hearts.

My past sort of relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive. God had become second to this man. Everything was good at first, but it lost sight of God. Our sinful and deceitful hearts allowed us to believe we were good, when we were not. By far, it has been the most difficult one because at a point, he was my best friend. I left him for God, yet I am the one that hurts. I do not hurt out of choice, who does? I am happy we are not together because I know how much I was suffering and how much we fought. Yet, I pondered, why do I hurt? I want to be happy for him. I know that I deserved better. So why do I hurt when I know he is with someone else? Why?

Then, I found out why. Like I said, I do not hurt by choice. My cursed and deceitful heart aches by itself. I know I am better off without him. I hurt because I desire to fall in love, to be a wife and mom. Yes, the greatest petition of my heart is also the greatest pain. I am jealous that he has what I long for. Why him? I questioned. I left him for God, yet he finds someone, and I do not. I serve you God, yet those who do not have someone. Why? Why?! It is not fair. It does not make sense, at least to me.

True love waits. I get it. It is more than just waiting for the wedding day. It is waiting on God to send you true love. I believe that God does not want me to suffer or feel hurt. That is why He also removed all those previous boys from my life because he knew that they were not the right ones for me. In a sense, I want a radical Christian at my same level. I want someone passionate to worship and serve God, and that we can talk about Him constantly among other things. If I want someone like this, I must wait. There is still much I have to learn about love, about God. God is love. In order to know more about what love is and how to love, I must know God first. God must be my greatest petition, my greatest desire. There must be patience on my side as well as trusting God with an unfailing and unwavering faith.

Yes, doubt comes into my heart like today or when I know they have someone. I hurt because they are living/experiencing my greatest petition, but I am glad they are happy. My time will come to find true love. It may be tomorrow, the day after, weeks, months, maybe even years (hope not haha), but God knows that true love waits. He does not want me to know anything else than the love that he has for me and the love that he places in his children who love Him above all things. I might hurt, yet I am healing. I might doubt, but I am still believing. And waiting in God is my safe haven. I just pray that all white men with blue/green/hazel eyes, funny, smart, and so forth stay away. (lol) I know God has to mold me more, and that this wait will allow me to experience the greatest love ever: God's and the husband that He has for me, who will fear and love Him above all things. This is a love worth waiting for.

The Petition of my Heart

There he stood. Tall, short-brown hair, white complexion, green eyes with hints of hazel, and wearing a suit: my ideal man. His kindness reflected by the way he kissed my cheek and addressed his worries. I had never felt such love. So many years passed as I waited for him. Finally, I found him, and he was everything I wanted, plus more.
As I sing along to worship songs, I am taken back by the greatest desire in my heart. Each time I see a man of God giving him praise, my heart melts. Worshiping God elevates my heart, mind, and soul to a whole new level, where I can be one with Him. My mouth and heart constantly want to exalt Him. Thus, my future husband will be a worshiper in spirit and truth. A man who can completely surrender his heart to God in worship, prayer, and humility, is a worthy husband. Why? Because this man will know true love, 1st Cor. 13:4-8 love. If one does not have a heart conformed to that of Jesus, they cannot love like this. My heart's petition is to find love, a man who accepts me for me, flaws and all. I know that a true man of God, one who loves him above all things, will love me like God does.
Any time I think about my past relationship/friendship, I remember my prayer to God for a man who loves Him above all things. So it does not sadden me. I know God has greater things for me. Many times, we want to settle with what we have when God wants something greater for our life. We might stay with a person for a long time because we think we "love" them when in fact, we are used to them. Or the sole fact that we want to fulfill that desire of intimacy, of having someone by your side, leads us to stay with the wrong person. The blessing God has for us, in marriage, are being lost in short-term relationships. I do not want that for my life. I want a long lasting relationship where you grow old together. Love, just like God, is greater than what we think and know. And when God answers the petition of my heart, bring a Godly, righteousness man into my life, I hope and pray that our love will be a form of worship, honor, and exaltation for God. <3

Caring Without Being There

When you care about someone deeply, you tend to be there for them always as their crying shoulder. However, all that changes when they are no longer part of your life. But what doesn't change is the fact that you feel the need to be there for them.

This is how I feel right now. My heart and emotions tell me to console him. Because I knew him so well, I remember the stories he would tell. I have a great memory for certain things. Knowing right now that he might be hurting, sort of stings my heart a bit. I cannot stop caring out of nowhere. We were honest with each other, spoke constantly for two years, and shared intimate things that only God knows.

But, it is not like before. Even though my heart yearns to call or text him to console him, my mind argues not to. A battle between logic and emotions takes place within my heart and mind. Which to listen to? My compassionate side pushes to be kind and merciful, yet this side caused me to bear through various hurts and fights in this relationship. I want to tell him, "I'm sorry for your loss. I am here for you if you need me." But should I be? Some friend believe he would not even do that for me, but would he? I do not know. Maybe. We are no longer anything to each other, just a chapter closed that should not be reopened and reread.

Does it make me compassionate? Does it make me a bad Christian? The answer seems confusing and vague. Yet, if I ended this friendship/relationship with him for God, then I cannot go back. The Lord knows I want to support, console, and uplift him. Nonetheless, the best thing I can do--as a friend, a sister in Christ,as someone who loved, cared, and cherished him--is to pray. A good friend I believe I can be, but the emotional attachment of my heart must be severed. That is what he wants and always wanted in a sense. I know God does not think less of me for not consoling him, so I will not think less of myself.

As people, we cannot help to care. It is in our nature. But we always need to remind ourselves that those people or person is no longer in our life for a reason. Yes, we care about them. Therefore, the best thing is to remain strong on your own path and pray for them. Let God handle it; no one else can better than him. <3

Busy Bee

The healing continues. Sometimes, it takes time to move on from a relationship or to even leave that person. However, it is not impossible. Life offers a plethora of opportunities for us. We need to take advantage of them. People spent so much energy trying to make a relationship work that they forget about their needs and dreams, even about their friends, family, and God. They, especially teenagers, lose out on their relationships with others and those opportunities.
Now that I do not focus on that boy, I spend time on myself. Thus, I did not have time to blog as well as not think about him. That is one of the secrets to moving on: FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Do nice things for yourself, such as get a pedicure, go shopping, out with friends, to the movies, etc. For instance, since I wanted to learn another language, I am taking a Mandarin class. It is important to take risks and do things we always wanted to do. When we are in a relationship, it keeps us from focusing on ourselves and taking the time pursue our dreams.It is not only about doing what we have always wanted, but it helps us stay busy.
This past weekend was so busy. I literally had something to do all day; there were no dull moments. I spend time with friends, the youth group, and my family. Nothing is better than being with those that care about you, vice versa. Being in good company is important because they support and understand you. Happiness does not depend on that person who you were in a relationship, it depends on God; it comes from inside. There are so many things in the world to do: go dancing, learn to knit or bake, get a job, study more, write, read, volunteer, etc. There are many activities to do! Get involved and make plans.
When you start to be active, your mind will clear. You realize that your life is blessed and fulfilling. That person is far from your mind when you are enjoying yourself. It is okay to have some excitement in your life because you deserve it. You should not be sad, lonely, and bored because of a relationship, especially when that person hurt you. There is not guilt in being happy, after all, whether you left them or they left you, it didn't work out for a reason. so why dwell on it and let it bring you down? Do not let it. Enjoy life, and be happy. Being a busy bee is beneficial. Like the bee, be protective and fly freely through a field of flowers. :)

I Feel Pretty, Oh, So Pretty!

Each Tuesday and Thursday, I tend to sleep in, waking up just in time to shower, get ready, and head to work. It seems to be the same routine, with some days getting to eat lunch and others not. It was just another day. However, yesterday was different.
There was a cool breeze, with cloudy skies: my perfect weather. It reminded me of New Orleans. All you needed was a light sweater. Windows down, radio blaring, my on-and-off key-note singing made a great drive to work. My hair swayed with the breeze, my own nature-created blow dryer. As I arrived to school and parked, I was excited for what the day was to bring: A long day of work, which is not overbearing because I love my job and enjoy who I work with. After work, Mandarin class, time passed by fast while we learn and laugh. I got out of my car and walked to work. Then, it happened. I felt pretty.
As weird as that might sound to some, it is something I rarely feel. Not only that, but coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship causes one to not feel valuable; we become our worst enemy by always belittling ourselves, at times, more than our "partner" do. Feeling pretty that day was only reinforced by some compliments. Then, someone from church who is dear to me reminded me: El Corazón Alegre Hermosea El Rostro. Directly translated, it means: A happy heart beautifies the face. Or as Proverbs 13:15 states: "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance..."(NKJV). Happiness can be seen through our facial expressions more clearly than anything else. All I wanted to do, most of the day, was smile.
This is such an important phase in the healing processes. Why? Because you are starting to value yourself and realize that you are worthy. Most of the time, when we have come out of a relationship, one wonders, What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? For women, I believe this is one of the main questions we ask ourselves. As emotional beings, we are a broken record, replaying each hurtful word our "partner" told us or that moment when they left us. Our minds our flooded with questions we want answered, with the need for a meaningful closure. What did I do wrong? What? Was I that bad that he had to be away from me in order to be happy? These are all things I thought. And honestly, his words would only cut me deeper, making feel worthless. And I can prove it. For instance, he told me, "Then, this is the right path. I wasn't happy the way it was...while I appreciated the fact you cared about me, the irony is that your love was helping me die." What is one suppose to think when the person they cared and loved tell them this? It made me think my love was not good enough. I could have let this affect me in several ways: (1) Never, ever love again or get close to someone because my love will "destroy" them. (2) Try to find love, but now, I am going to still hurt them and screw it up, (3) Wonder if everyone I love will just end up getting hurt by me, and (4) Ignore it and know that there is a man out there that is worthy of my love which is valuable to him and even God.

So I tell you, there are many things that he said to me that made me feel unworthy, or to simply state it, as crap. Some were straight-out cold and hurtful. However, it is how you let those things affect you that matters. No person should make you feel inferior or unworthy. The only flawless being to exist is God; He is the perfect, pure, good, just, and honest compared to all humanity. Even God, knowing that we are lowly sinners, loves us enough to sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross. So why should we let a person who is flawed like us tell us how valuable we are? We shouldn't. Any person that belittles you should be cut from your life. Know that you are worthy and valuable. Live each day feeling pretty and singing, "I feel pretty, oh, so pretty!" <3


:P Let this be your life song ^.^